


again

by NoBetaWeDieLikeGlenn



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: (former) sex slave felix, Altered Mental States, And Felix has never stopped loving Dimitri, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bathing/Washing, Canon Divergence, During Timeskip (Fire Emblem: Three Houses), Hurt/Comfort, In which Dimitri loves Felix no matter what he's become, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Oral Sex, Reunion, Sharing a Bed, Sickfic, healing past trauma, let felix hugo fraldarius cry, nonverbal ways to show you are hopelessly in love with felix hugo fraldarius, references to past sexual abuse, sorry but i don't make the rules, vaguely a Verdant Wind AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-22
Updated: 2020-05-02
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:28:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 25,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21886687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoBetaWeDieLikeGlenn/pseuds/NoBetaWeDieLikeGlenn
Summary: During a northern skirmish, Felix is captured by enemy forces. Detained in Sreng for what seems to be years, he had long given up on hopes of escape, simply biding his time until he could exact revenge upon the man who had reduced him into a shell of his former self.One day, a familiar face comes crashing back into his life, determined to bring him back home. It seems too good to be true, like something out of a dream, yet could this be his actual reality…?-Or, in which Felix and Dimitri are both Not Okay, but Dimitri tries to keep it together for Felix, and Felix tries to keep it together for Dimitri
Relationships: Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd & Rodrigue Achille Fraldarius, Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd/Felix Hugo Fraldarius, Felix Hugo Fraldarius & Rodrigue Achille Fraldarius
Comments: 49
Kudos: 292





	1. analgesia

**Author's Note:**

> Heed the tags, the warnings, and my username.

Felix doesn't remember how long it has been since he'd been reduced to this.

Mirrors are a luxury rarely allowed himself, but the one time he managed a glance, he found an animal's face reflected back at him, worse than the boar he had come to hate. A haunted creature, wrenched as the pleasure he's forced to give and take.

Revenge keeps him going, but the thought distances itself with each passing day, far away from his mind when Sreng's soldiers pay him a visit, taking out decades worth of frustration on him as a representation of the war they are compelled to partake in. Will his desire for vengeance, one day, cease to exist as Felix's initial plans of escape?

His current room, warm and filled with soft pillows and woolen rugs and the sweet smell of smoke, is a far cry from the cold, damp cell he used to occupy, but it's a prison all the same, No matter how meekly he presents himself, they never grow to trust him, leaving him in loose cloths that barely leave anything to imagination, limbs bound as he is fed drugs that leave his mind clouded, hazy as the mist that hangs over the city.

Trapped, with no means of leaving this place, Felix rests his cheek against one of the numerous pillows that decorate his nest of a kind, his half-focused eyes falling upon the doorway. He might as well get as much rest as he can, considering he'll need all the energy he can muster to properly entertain the next man—or woman—to come in through that door.

It opens about a few hours later, or so Felix thinks. His eyes follow the man as he stumbles in, only vaguely aware of a woman that runs off after a plea of mercy.

“Felix… it’s you, isn’t it?” the man asks.

 _Felix...?_ That's one name he hasn't heard in a while, a memory as distant as those he's spent in a certain academy, a place where, despite the trifles he's had in there, is something he sorely misses...

But there's no escape from this fate dealt to him. Returning to that place is a useless thought, so he shakes it off in favor of focusing on this newcomer, quite unlike any of the men that have dropped by to see him before.

He doesn't recognize the man before him. Felix thinks he should, but his drug-addled brain is having trouble connecting that hulking form, those sharp blue eyes, his unkempt blond hair, and the smell of gore following those bloodstained hands...

_Blood... stained..._

Yes, perhaps it's just one of those soldiers again, looking to unwind after a hard day's work at the border. Felix forces himself off the pillow, pulling himself to his knees, shaking off his long locks off his face as he forces a demure smile on his face. Easy enough with practice, quite natural at this point, especially when it makes his living hell of a life a lot easier…

“...How may I be of service...?”

The man crosses the room in a few long strides, falling to his knees before Felix and pulling him into his arms.

“You're alive,” the man says, sucking in a breath, “goddess, what have they done to you?”

Felix blinks, surprised at this unfamiliar turn of events, along with the words that spill out of this man's mouth. _Alive...?_ Perhaps in some sense of the word, though his body feels more like a shell he drags through each and every day's activities, not quite his own as much as it's his captors.

But then the rest of the words sink in, along with the familiarity of the embrace he's found himself wrapped around.

The beast— _Dimitri_ —had come to save him, despite Felix leaving him no reason to deserve such. But only salvation comes to those who have died, and given what Felix swore to himself to doing, that is nigh unacceptable.

“...I can't die yet.”

Felix tries to squirm out of the hug, a futile exercise when his wrists are bound in front of him the way they are, and his legs are chained to the wall like he’s some animal to be kept in its fancy cage.

“Not until I have my revenge.”

Otherwise, he would have endured all these for _nothing_.

At the very least, Dimitri pulls back anyway and starts to untie Felix's wrists.

“I am sorry,” Dimitri says, “We... could not afford to take prisoners. I was only able to bring a small force since we have the war with the Empire to contend with.”

“I... see.”

The fire goes out of Felix's eyes, his stare blank as his gaze falls upon his wrists and the large hands working to unbind them, unable to make sense of this reality, more surreal than his vague plans to get back at the man that had reduced him into his current, sorry state. He's vaguely heard of this war with the Empire, but it hardly seemed relevant to his plight, a distant worry compared to how he's supposed to survive the next ordeal his captors wish to put him through.

“Then... I can die in peace.”

If Dimitri ( _It's Dimitri, right?_ A little voice echoes in his head, still uncertain.) has truly done away with the people of this city, then there's no point in living. As someone who hasn't held a blade in what seems to be ages, he's of no use to the Kingdom the way he is right now, and should he be discarded as a liability, he has no desire to continue living on as he has been the past few years of his captivity.

Dimitri falls back for a moment, shaking his head rapidly as he rises up again to tear the ropes away.

“No. _No_. You can hate me if you must, you can curse my name with your every breath, but you can't die. Please, Felix, _please_ —” Dimitri grits his teeth, his voice wavering as he continues, “Just come back with me. Come back home…”

“Home...?”

Felix gapes at Dimitri, as if he could not understand what he's saying. Or the way he reacted for that matter. Why is he here anyway? Hadn't the Kingdom given him up for dead already, as often whispered by the soldiers that would bed him?

“I can no longer wield a sword... I'm of no use to you anymore…”

“What does that matter? I did not come here so you could be of _use_.”

So long has it been since Felix heard anything to that effect that he stills, surprise flickering across his face as he, instead of looking away, holds Dimitri's gaze. Dimitri starts to reach for Felix again, but stops midway, looking self-conscious. Is it the gore and blood on his hand…? But he has already wrapped his arms around him, and Felix is already far more dirty than Dimitri's touch could ever make him anyway...

After a few more moments of hesitation, Dimitri strips his gloves and gauntlets and extends his hand to gently tuck some hair behind Felix's ear.

“I came here to find my friend,” Dimitri says, his voice cracking. “Whether you can be of use to me or if you still hate me—none of that matters.”

Felix blinks, still not knowing what to make of it. Yes... he was supposed to hate Dimitri, wasn't he...? It was his treatment of Dimitri that convinced him so, that the Kingdom wouldn't come looking for him. After all, there's no use for a prodigal sword, a shield that refuses to be used as it should.

But... Dimitri doesn't seem to mind at all, doesn't he? Looking like he’s about to cry at the thought of losing Felix, and even going this far to believe that he's alive, going all the way out here to save him... It boggles the mind, and the gesture should be touching, but he just can't comprehend the fact that he's _precious_ enough to merit such a risk, enough to stake the life of the Kingdom's head on such a thing.

After all, he's worthless the way he is now, simply a tool meant to be used and discarded at will.

“I'm... not sure if there's any of that friend left for you to find.”

Felix swallows, hanging his head in shame.

“But... if I'm fine the way I am... then I'll be whatever you want me to be.”

Maybe this is all a dream, and he'll wake from this soon. Yes... that certainly must be it...

Dimitri gathers Felix up in his arms again, keeping his hold gentle this time. “You need not change yourself for me. For now, just... stay by my side. Until we're back in the Kingdom, at least.”

The sound of armor clanking down the hall gets Dimitri to twist and look over his shoulder, locking eyes with the newcomer.

“...Do you require a healer, Your Majesty?” Gilbert—or who Felix thinks to be Gilbert—asks.

With a slight frown, he draws back from Felix a bit, giving him a very quick once-over.

“I do not think so… have you sustained any injuries, Felix?”

Felix shakes his head in response.

“Are you able to walk?”

That question has Felix thoughtful, casting his eyes briefly towards the lengthy chains that connect his ankles to the wall behind them.

“I'm... not sure,” he says, tearing his gaze away from it. “It's been a while since I've been outside.”

For a few days now, perhaps, given that no social function had been in need of his services.

“I can give it a try.”

Dimitri removes his cloak, draping it over Felix's shoulders. “Your axe, please, Gustave.”

He holds his hand out expectantly. Gilbert hesitates only a moment before approaching and handing Dimitri his axe. Dimitri tucks the cloak around Felix's ankles, straightening the chains out.

“Shield your eyes.”

Too used to following orders at this point, Felix does as he's told, shrinking into Dimitri’s cloak and tucking his arms inside as Dimitri cuts the chains binding his ankles one by one, leaving him with two chain links still connected to the iron bangles around his ankles. Once he's free of those bindings, he attempts to stand, a shaky endeavor that almost ends up with him back on his ass. But he manages, and a few tentative steps later, he manages a stiff nod, keeping Dimitri's cloak wrapped around himself.

“I think... I can manage.”

Though he'd be barefoot while doing so... the shoes provided to him when he's asked to dance are probably a good candidate for footwear, but they never leave it with him in this room.

“Good. Hold my arm if you feel unsteady.”

Dimitri passes the axe back to Gilbert, slowly making his way to the edge of the room with Felix, who manages to keep his walk mercifully normal and doesn't end up taking Dimitri on that offer.

“Where are we camping for the night?”

"Here, Your Majesty,” Gilbert says, “The location is easy to hold. I took the liberty of having a room set up for you already. Will you be resting tonight?"

There's a note of pleading in Gilbert's voice, one that has Felix lifting his gaze towards Dimitri’s eyes—the bags under them in particular. That certainly explains things in that regard.

With a sigh, Dimitri nods. “I'll just clean up there. Have some extra clothing delivered, and some tea, as well.”

Dimitri casts his gaze around the room once they reach the door, frowning as he seems to realize the complete lack of footwear.

“Sorry,” Dimitri says gently as he turns, moving to lift Felix into his arms. “It's still a mess here. You cannot wander about barefoot, and I think it best if we get out of this room as soon as possible. That smoke makes me dizzy.”

Felix nods at that rationale, though he might find the proposition embarrassing another time, none of it colors his cheeks when Dimitri scoops him up and carries him like he's some sort of child. Unmindful of Gilbert's astounded glance in their direction, he curls into Dimitri's chest, resting his forehead lightly upon it like he would back when they were children.

It really, _really_ has to be a dream. A really lucid one, mind, but to be rescued from this hell after all this time... it's a surreal experience, one that can only happen in the realm of the impossible, and thus, the aforementioned. He'd hate to wake up from it, but for now, he'll relish what he can and take it with him so he may endure the next few days with better grace.

Felix could feel Dimitri smiling as he follows Gilbert to the room they'll be resting in for the night. As soon as clean clothing for the both of them, some tea and basic rations, and a basin of hot water have all been obtained, he clears out with a bow.

Dimitri settles Felix next to a table with the food and the pot of tea, a humble spread which Felix gives a short glance before he casts his gaze towards Dimitri, who is making his way towards the basin as he works at the straps of his own armor.

“This isn't a proper invasion, so we'll be moving out in a day or two,” Dimitri says. “Try to get some rest if you can.”

Felix nods, rising from his seat and leaving Dimitri's cloak behind to approach the bed from the side, where some clothing was laid out. The dream doesn't look like it's about to end yet, it seems. Now there's a fresh set of clothing for them, the kind of clothes that Felix would have worn back in the day. Not too keen on the sheer fabric he wears, Felix starts stripping unceremoniously, unmindful of Dimitri's eyes on him as he discards silk after silk, leaving him bare in no time. There’s nothing to see anyway—his captors put a premium on keeping him prettied up after all, and thus healing him up after whatever hell they've put him through is a luxury they lavished upon him.

Save for the instances when they wanted to teach him a lesson in pain, of course.

Exhaling, Felix pulls on that simple shirt and pair of trousers. Once upon a time, Felix would have been comfortable in them, but right now, they just feel foreign upon his skin. Especially when the shirt he wears is a little too large for him, even if they managed to get the size of the pants just fine...

Shaking his head, he ponders upon Dimitri's words once more, sensing them rather odd given how deep they were into Sreng territory.

“...Why isn’t it a proper invasion?” Felix asks as he takes a seat on the side of the bed, his back to Dimitri.

“We do not want a war on two fronts,” Dimitri says. “Now that we have found you, I will make it clear that was my only goal here.”

The rustle of fabric follows, along with the splash of water. Felix's eyes widen at the admission, unthinkable given how worthless he is at this point in time.

Dimitri continues, “I do not think they will be in any mood to invite further retaliation any time soon so long as we evacuate quickly.”

The statements merit a glance of disbelief in Dimitri's direction, with Felix trying to search Dimitri's expression for a tell as to whether that’s a joke or not, never mind how naked Dimitri is that moment.

“You went this far for _me_?!”

Well, it's a dream anyway, isn't it? Perhaps that's the reason why such words spill forth from Dimitri's mouth... It's such a self-centered reason that only makes sense in a surreal context, after all.

“I already said that I came here to find you, didn't I?”

“Yes, but…”

 _That can't be the only reason_ , Felix thinks. But as the case is, that seems to be Dimitri's only purpose, as with the small army he seems to have taken with him...

Dimitri wraps a towel around his waist. “I wanted to come sooner. They said that you were almost certainly dead, though, and while my uncle remained regent I could not force obedience…”

“...well, at any rate, there is nothing left to do here,” Dimitri says, sighing. “We will leave as quickly as we can.”

Instead of voicing that out more of his disbelief, Felix mirrors that sigh, training his eyes away from Dimitri and pointing his gaze towards his lap, where his hands are curled.

“I'd appreciate that.”

There certainly is no love lost between him and this place, by any means.

Dimitri doesn't take too long to finish washing up. After changing into the fresh set of clothing provided and pouring out two cups of tea, he settles on the bed beside Felix, holding the second cup and saucer out to him.

“Here. We've been engaging them in battle all day, so I cannot imagine they brought you anything to eat or drink.”

They haven't, but it's nothing new to Felix. Good thing he doesn't have an appetite most days anyway, this day being no exception in that regard.

“...Thanks.”

But since it's Dimitri—his savior—that is offering, Felix takes the cup and saucer from him, taking a tentative sip from it before he sets it down again.

 _It's good_. But it's nothing really special, just plain chamomile, so why is his throat suddenly seizing up the way it is right now...?

“I'm…”

... _sorry_. But the word never makes it out of his mouth, in lieu of the tears that splash onto his drink. Has it been really so long since anyone showed some form of genuine kindness that it's enough to get him all emotional now?! It's so embarrassing, yet he couldn't help them as they spill forth, bitter as the feelings he had long suppressed since he had been forced into this role he had never asked for.

Try as Felix might, his tears seem to have no intention of stopping, and that's what has him setting the cup and saucer on the floor, afraid of spilling it on the bed. Dimitri does not help at all in that regard, and Felix’s tears are spurred on by the comforting arm around him, far from the suggestive touches he would receive. Once Felix realizes that no one is about to force a favor out of him, his shoulders relax and he turns to press his face into Dimitri's collarbone. Snaking his arms loosely around Dimitri's waist to bring himself closer, Felix allows himself this small luxury, one that is only possible by virtue of this being a dream.

Dimitri sets his cup to the side as well, though unlike Felix he simply puts it on the bed. He combs the fingers of his free hand through Felix's long hair, turning his face to lightly press his lips to the crown of his head.

“I've got you.”

Felix manages a nod as Dimitri continues with those reassuring motions, reminiscent of how things were when the world was much more straightforward. When Felix held simple wishes and desires, including spending his days beside the man next to him, never mind the rest of the world.

Now... he finds himself wanting to partake in that desire more than anything else. It scares him how much he wants it more than anything else in the world, how he trembles at the thought of it, clinging to Dimitri and that idea as if it were some lifeline that would keep him rooted in this dreamy reality he otherwise could not envision with the way things were.

But as much as he wishes to simply stay in Dimitri's arms like this, eventually, Felix's tears dry up, leaving his mind somewhat clearer than it was earlier.

“...Sorry,” Felix mumbles, hoarse as he swallows the heaviness that lingers in his throat.

“You have done nothing that warrants an apology," Dimitri says. "Would you like to just lie down for the night? I can reheat the tea in the morning. It will keep.”

“...Yes.”

There's some slight trepidation to Felix's response as he wonders if the dream is due to end once he closes his eyes and wakes up later, but given that he's not in the mood for anything else, it's the only course of action he has left.

Pulling his legs up, he extracts himself from Dimitri's embrace and crawls to the other side of the bed, tucking himself under the covers, resting on his side to face Dimitri. But he doesn't close his eyes yet, watching Dimitri as he rises to put the cups back over on the table and blow out the candles, leaving the fireplace blazing. Once their gazes meet, Felix holds it, silently pleading for him to join him in the bed.

It's selfish, but that's what dreams are made of, aren't they? And of course, since it's Felix's dream, Dimitri nods, making it back to the bed in short order. He crawls in right beside Felix, lying on his side as well and slipping one arm beneath the pillow.

Smiling, Dimitri lifts his other arm in invitation.

“Come here,” Dimitri says softly. “We'll have a sleepover.”

At the mention of a sleepover, Felix breaks into a smile, unlike the haunted one he wore earlier when he first sighted Dimitri. The moment brings to mind certain days that have long gone by, along with it the peaceful smile he would wear when allowed to indulge in Dimitri's presence. It's what has him tucking in his arms, pressing his knuckles lightly against Dimitri's chest as he rests his cheek on Dimitri's pillow, determined to savor the moment as much as he can.

Dimitri lowers his arm, gently squeezing Felix. “Good night.”

“Good night.”

Dimitri's embrace warms him in a way the tea doesn't, a phenomenon that Felix appreciates as he burrows himself into that nostalgic heat. However, it's not enough to completely stave off his worries of what may come to pass should he close his eyes, so he keeps his eyes half-open, struggling against the heavy temptation of sleep that hangs over him.

“Stay... with me... okay?” Felix whispers, a prayer he keeps in mind as he hopes for the impossible come the morning.

“I will, I promise,” Dimitri says. “Whenever you want, for as long as you like.”

Those words are what it takes for Felix to finally cave in to the call of sleep, too strong to wage war against despite his certainty that succumbing to it will result into him waking up to a reality he doesn't wish to return to.

At least, these words are a nice memory to take with him once he wakes, a small salve for his heart to keep him going in the trying days to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Can you stay here  
>  Just until my heart can heal  
> Is this a dream  
> If it is it feels so real_  
> \- "Again" by AmaLee


	2. the end of a dream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess I'll be committing to this longfic then!
> 
> Thank you for the feedback, they have all been sufficiently loved.

With no rough hands shaking him awake, Felix sleeps in and wakes up far later than he usually does. When he finally stirs, he expects to find himself back in his room, chained and surrounded by cloths and pillows he never asked for, the sickening smell of incense drifting around. But gone are either, and instead, next to him is a familiar warmth, one that has him daring to take a peek...

...Only to lower his head shortly thereafter, recognition dawning properly upon him as he processes Dimitri's face in relation to what he last remembers before waking up.

"It's... not a dream," Felix says under his breath, a touch disbelieving as he moves to lay his palm flat against Dimitri's chest, trying to make sense of this very solid and real being next to him and it's actual, practical impossibility.

Dimitri shifts, placing his hand over Felix's and holding it against his chest. "I'm here."

Curling his fingers into Dimitri's shirt, Felix exhales slowly when he feels Dimitri's hand drape over his, a gesture that further roots him into this situation which he's slowly starting to accept.

"...You are."

Though all the same, it's rather embarrassing to be caught like this, clinging to Dimitri like a baby. It's what has him avoiding Dimitri's gaze, along with the way his chest tightens at the fact, of _finally_ being saved from this living nightmare...

But he manages to keep it together, and simply swallows back the lump in his throat before he speaks again, fingers unfurling.

"I guess... you'd like to get going. Don't let me keep you."

With a gentle squeeze, Dimitri lets go of Felix's hand and pulls himself into a sitting position, rolling his shoulders.

"I'll reheat the tea. We can find Gustave after having a little something to eat."

"Okay."

But Felix makes no move to rise, contenting himself with holing up under the covers. Perhaps he should help Dimitri out there, but this kind of rest without any sort of obligation hanging over him is rather novel, and he wants to indulge in it a little more, childish as it is.

"Do you... need help?"

Still, he asks just in case, even if reluctance is dripping in his tone.

Dimitri tilts his head to the side curiously. "Not really. It's just putting the kettle over the fire."

Which Dimitri goes ahead with doing. After which, Dimitri picks up the basket of biscuits and places it on the bed near Felix, who sighs and forces himself to sit on the bed. Rolling his shoulders back, he reaches for the plate and takes a bite off one of the biscuits. It is far from tasty, but it's not like he's feeling up to eating much anyway. But for the sake of having something in his stomach, he forces it down, watching as Dimitri proceeds to clean his armor. Dimitri is quick and efficient, and by the time the kettle's heated, he's more or less finished. He pours two cups again, sinking back onto the mattress beside Felix.

"Not the most appetizing, but we have a hard ride ahead of us. We are limited on good horses—would you like to just ride together?"

Felix takes a moment to blow on top of the teacup, taking a small, thoughtful sip before responding.

"That'd... be nice."

Felix is glad that the cup he's accepted from Dimitri covers part of his face, given the light pink that dusts his cheeks at his own response.

"It's been a while since I rode a horse," Felix says, lashes lowered as he ponders his cup once more, blowing on it again before drinking. The last time would be before he got imprisoned, for his captors preferred to transport him by cart should they need him to travel a sizable distance.

Felix can feel Dimitri's gaze lingering as he focuses his attention on cooling the tea--a phenomenon he attributes to concern, given his old tendency to burn his tongue on these drinks.

Eventually, Dimitri clears his throat, taking a large bite out of one of the biscuits. "Yes, well. I doubt you have had many opportunities to do so, so that is not surprising."

"...Is something the matter?" Felix lowers his almost finished cup, throwing Dimitri a curious glance through partly narrowed eyes. "I won't burn my tongue on this."

Dimitri has another few sips himself, forcing down the rest of the biscuit. "You have not done that in ages."

"Then…"

... _what?_ Felix is compelled to ask, but he pushes down the urge to do so. He's not really in the mood to argue with Dimitri, so he just lets his statement trail off unfinished, going back to finishing his drink. He opts out of another biscuit, quite satisfied with the tea on its own.

"How long... has it been?"

Better to steer the conversation in another direction, one that is more relevant.

"Two years as of last week," Dimitri answers almost automatically, despite Felix not giving any context for his question.

 _Two years..._ It felt longer than that, if Felix were to be honest, but it's not too surprising a span of time, all things considered.

With a shudder, Dimitri polishes off his tea and puts it off to the side. "We have much to discuss, but there is no rush. If you are not opposed, I would like to share a tent on the way back, so I can catch you up a little bit at a time."

Felix casts his gaze downwards, towards his empty cup. "I'm... not opposed."

Rather, he'd like that, but it seems rather embarrassing to admit so.

"There's... a lot I don't know about the world now. I'd appreciate being filled in."

If he's to attempt _living_ , it's a good start as any.

Relief washes over Dimitri's face, and he looks like he's about to make another comment when there's a knock at the door.

Felix watches as Dimitri rises to go answer it, stiff and clearly wary, only relaxing marginally once he sees who it is--Gilbert, who seems to be carrying something with him.

"I take it we are moving out soon?" Dimitri asks, a certain edge in his tone.

"Yes, Your Majesty." Gilbert tries to take a peek around Dimitri's large frame, clearly trying to catch a peek at Felix, but Dimitri solidly blocks his view. "...how is he?"

Dimitri pauses before responding, glancing over his shoulder at Felix. While Dimitri is a welcome presence that Felix doesn't mind indulging in, Gilbert is a whole other question, and despite him being on the friendly side of this war, Felix finds himself shrinking back slightly, not at all keen on finding out what he might see in Gilbert's gaze. He was there when Dimitri rescued him from that room, wasn't he...?

"Well enough," Dimitri says, turning back toward Gilbert. "Is that the key to the shackles?"

"It is. I spoke with some of the women here. ...on that subject, may I come in?"

At those words, Dimitri steps to the side, allowing Gilbert into the room, who is carrying with him some warm outerwear and shoes. But the familiar scent of the room that Felix was rescued from lingers on a certain package he carries with him. It has apprehension clawing at Felix as Gilbert places the coat and boots on one of the chairs, especially when he continues to hold the package even after giving Dimitri the key. Who then moves back to the bed to pass the key on to Felix.

Felix accepts the key from Dimitri, awkwardly fumbling with his ankles for a while before he manages to unlock his shackles. While he's generally numb to the shackles given how often he's made to wear them, it would be better to travel free of them. Not that he has any pleasant memories of them. Casting his gaze towards the additional clothing set on the chair, he ducks his head in Gilbert's direction as an acknowledgement of the trouble he went through. Pushing himself out of the bed, he begins to don the additional clothing, though not without another wary glance towards the other package that Gilbert has.

As Felix finishes donning the clothing laid out for him, Gilbert clears his throat after a moment of Dimitri staring him down. 

"The women said that these drugs can have a deadly withdrawal if one is forced to stop taking them abruptly. This is already going to be a difficult journey, so I think—"

"Are you _really_ trying to suggest Felix should use that garbage voluntarily?" Dimitri folds his arms tightly, glowering at Gilbert.

"Yes. A little bit less each day," Gilbert says, "By the time we're back in Kingdom territory, the dosage should be low enough that he can simply stop and endure the withdrawal symptoms without danger."

Despite the inevitability of the conversation turning towards the aforementioned, the line of thought comes as a shock to Felix. Even with the sound rationale behind it, his stomach drops at the prospect, none too keen at losing his mind now that he has it back.

Drawing his legs onto the bed, Felix hugs himself, shaking his head vigorously. "No... please…"

Which causes Dimitri to dig his heels in and bare his teeth like a wild animal on the defensive, a sentiment that warms Felix slightly, even if it's not enough to fully squash his trepidation.

"...Very well," Gilbert says after a sigh. "I will keep this for now. We can discuss it again this evening."

Dimitri remains silent as Felix tunes out the rest of what Gilbert has to say, and eventually, slips out of the room, taking the package with him.

Dimitri exhales once the door shuts, sitting on the bed beside Felix again. "It's all right."

Felix wants to believe Dimitri, but with the idea planted in their heads and Dimitri sounding completely deflated, he knows that nothing is certain in the horizon, and that it’s likely he’ll have to take that drug again if he hoped to see the next day or so.

He lowers his head, forehead pressed against his knees.

"I thought…"

 _...it’s over._ But just like before, the words don’t make it out of his mouth, and the next thing he knows, he’s blinking back tears and swallowing the lump in his throat—acts that lead nowhere as a sob wrenches itself out of his throat at the bitter thought of reverting to the way he was yesterday.

Dimitri rubs slow circles on Felix's back, hanging his head. "...whatever happens, I will be with you."

It does only very little to assuage Felix's anxieties, but temporary comfort as it is, Felix forces a nod as he slides his legs off the bed, preparing to rise.

He closes his eyes briefly, letting out a loud sniffle. "We should... get going."

If there's anything he dreads more than the prospect of taking that drug again, it's staying in this place for longer than they should.

Dimitri nods as well, rising and moving to start strapping on his armor. He pulls his cloak on, too, packing the few items in the room that actually belong to him neatly into a pack. With the pack in one hand and his lance in another, he looks ready to go—but he hesitates, seeming like he's forgotten something. 

Dimitri spares a glance his way. "Are you feeling any steadier this morning?"

 _That's it?_ Felix throws Dimitri a puzzled look before nodding. "Yes. I should be fine."

Or so Felix hopes as he rises, pulling up the hood of his coat as he takes a few steps towards the door. There’s only one way to find out, isn’t there?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _All at once  
>  There is a dream and it's coming true  
> As destiny is calling me to you_  
> \- "Again" by AmaLee


	3. withdrawal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapters for this story have been outlined! It can potentially cover more ground than what I have outlined, but for now I'll be committing to seven chapters in total. Projected word count total is around 20k, give or take a few thousand words.
> 
> Thank you for continuing to read this story!

Felix manages it fine to where the horses are kept, and even with most of his face obscured by the hood, he’s still the subject of many curious and surprised looks—all of which he shrinks away from. Dimitri certainly wasn’t kidding when he said that his primary objective for this invasion was to take him home, going by the sighs of relief that follow as the command to retreat comes.

Thankfully, Dimitri’s presence staves off any uncomfortable questions, and everyone is all business when they hustle for the ride home. Soon enough, they leave the city behind them, and it disappears from the horizon. As promised, Felix rides with Dimitri, a turn of events that prove to be uneventful…

At least until late in the afternoon.

Felix had been feeling hot and cold for a while now, a feeling he attributed to being unused to the weather they’re traveling around in. Perhaps a fever was coming, but it’s nothing new to Felix, a matter that eventually tides over even when he’s left to deal with it on his lonesome.

But then the chills come, and he simply can’t stop shivering now, his stomach twisting in odd knots as they ride along. He feels like he’s about to be sick, but surely, it can’t be any worse than anything he’s endured…?

"...do we need to stop for a moment?" Dimitri asks.

"...No."

Is Felix’s small whisper, adamant in his insistence despite his body clearly betraying his condition.

 _No._ It can’t be true. What Gilbert was saying. It’s a nigh unacceptable turn of events, not when he’s finally escaped from this place—

But when he finds himself swaying and tilting off to the side, unmindful of the movement, it seems that he has to acknowledge that, perhaps, he should have taken that drug before they left the premises.

Dimitri manages to catch him before he falls off at least. Wrapping one arm around him firmly to keep him upright, Dimitri uses his legs to guide his horse, waving Gilbert a little closer.

"We need to make camp soon," Dimitri says when Gilbert draws within earshot. Felix could feel a pair of eyes on him—Gilbert's, likely—and the semblance of a nod from the corner of his eye.

"I'll take care of it," Gilbert says.

Dimitri nods from above Felix and resumes the rest of the ride, which he notably tries to keep smoother. It feels like ages before they're finally able to stop and make camp, with Dimitri riding his horse right into the camp—probably so he will not have to carry Felix past so many people. He leaves taking care of the horse itself to Gilbert, settling Felix on the bedroll as gently as he can.

Once that's done, Dimitri starts working Felix out of his coat. "You look like you're going to be sick... do you think a little mint might help?"

Still trembling, Felix grabs the sleeve of the coat that Dimitri is trying to peel off him, the air too cool for his liking despite how much he's sweating that moment. Thankfully, Dimitri lets him have this round and stops trying to take off his coat.

"M-maybe…" Felix says through chattering teeth, trying to pull the coat over himself again. "I-Is... t-there... a f-fire s—?"

— _somewhere_ , but a violent round of shivers make it impossible for Felix to speak further at that moment.

"Outside the tent. There are some bricks warming there, but you really shouldn't sit right by it... you're sweating too much."

Dimitri gets into his pack and takes out his waterskin, placing it to Felix's lips. None too eager to expose his frozen hands to the northern air about them, Felix settles for letting Dimitri hold the waterskin and simply using his mouth to catch the liquid that trickles out—an easy enough task anyway when he’s denied the use of his arms half the time.

But not even half a minute later, Felix tears his lips away from the skin, head dropping back onto the bedroll as he clutches his chest, oddly tight. He attempts to take in a large gulp of air, only to be met with surprising force when he tries to suck it in. It’s a force that leaves him lightheaded, spots dancing in front of his eyes as he attempts breath after breath, none of them soothing.

"Felix?"

Felix is dimly aware of Dimitri calling his name, but he can barely see anything in front of him, the pain in his chest far too excruciating for him to concentrate on anything else.

He tries to speak Dimitri's name, but all that comes out is a choked noise which gives way to another round of pain, one that has Felix's eyes widening briefly before he feels his chest giving out on him.

Felix blindly reaches for the figure in front of him with his other hand before his head lolls to the side, arms dropping to the ground as if Felix were a puppet with its strings cut.

" _Felix!_ "

The last thing he vaguely hears is his name resounding in his ears, along with someone rushing into their tent.

* * *

For a blissful moment, Felix thinks it might be over, himself free of the suffering that was his daily life. But a foul substance under his tongue wrenches him out of that line of thought and drags him back into a reality he's not at all eager to comprehend.

He whimpers as he swallows it on reflex, tears springing to his eyes as a certain prospect hovers in his near future.

"Please," Felix whispers, his voice cracking, "no more…"

"I'll get a healer," Gilbert—or who sounds like Gilbert—says.

Now that he's decidedly and unfortunately conscious, Felix slowly opens his eyes, his half-lidded gaze settling on Dimitri's worried face.

"It's all right," Dimitri says as Felix's head rests on his lap. "It's all right…"

Whether the words are for Felix or for Dimitri, Felix can't say.

"Please, Felix," Dimitri continues, looking like he's biting down on the inside of his cheek, "Stay with me."

"I'll... try," Felix responds feebly, followed by a tired exhale which he notes to be less painful than the ones he tried to take earlier.

"Good. Good…" Dimitri exhales slowly. "We need to have a healer look at you, all right? I'll be right here."

"Mmm."

There's a part of Felix that wants to reach out, to touch and do a more physical reassurance for the man that has done so much for him. But with the effort of keeping his eyes open being a little too much for Felix at the moment, he gives up and closes them. He passes up on that urge, instead waiting for the medic to drop by.

Dimitri gently resumes taking Felix's coat off, an action that Felix allows this time around, knowing that the healer would want to listen to his chest.

It's not long before the medic visits their tent, and as Dimitri shuffles away from him, Felix lets her do as she wants in his half-asleep haze, wishing for nothing more but sleep to properly take him.

Eventually, the medic completes her examination, and Felix finds himself starting to fall asleep as she makes her prognosis of substance abuse and the need to wean Felix off them gently, along with a more hesitant "but" accompanying her discovery of no serious injury.

Felix manages to doze off, but jolts a little at the commotion that results out of… whatever the medic says and Dimitri's reaction to it. Having an inkling of what it might be, Felix scrunches his eyes close, willing for this doze to overtake him as Dimitri, Gilbert, and the medic continue with their conversation by a corner of the tent.

"...are you still feeling a chill? I can get the bricks before I join you."

Felix had managed some semblance of sleep, but given its forced and light nature, Dimitri's words easily pulls him out of it. The expectation of a response has him a little childishly irritated, wrinkling his nose at the disturbance before turning to his side to sulk.

"...Yes."

While the worst of his withdrawal-related chills have subsided, the fact remains that it is cold, and Felix by far isn’t used to mother nature’s finest anymore.

"All right," Dimitri says, somehow sounding less tense than he did earlier. "Just a moment, then."

Felix hears Dimitri duck out to retrieve the bricks. Once he returns, he carefully tucks them beneath the bedroll, mostly toward the feet. The warmth by his feet is welcome, one that has Felix hissing in relief as some semblance of warmth starts to wash over his skin. Never mind that it is perhaps in consideration for his shoes, which do fit comfortably, but aren't exactly custom made. Dimitri goes ahead and takes them off for him anyway, briefly rubbing his thumbs over where the shackles once laid.

Felix ends up twisting to try and meet Dimitri’s eye, wondering where he is going with this. 

"I’ll be fine," Felix says, perhaps a little more casually than is warranted. "I barely felt them."

Dimitri draws his hands back, tucking the blankets around Felix's feet. "Sorry."

Thankfully, Dimitri does not hem and haw over propriety before removing his own shoes and climbing under the covers as well. "Let me know if you feel up to drinking some of that tea the healer suggested. If you want to wait until morning, that's fine."

"Morning’s fine."

Felix settles back on his side, away from Dimitri at first. But after a moment’s consideration, he rolls over to face Dimitri, curling next to his chest. He’s not at all looking forward to the next day’s ride, but at the very least, Dimitri is warm as he always has been.

Dimitri pauses for a few seconds, then shifts to wrap his arms around Felix like he did the night before. "Is this all right...? Let me know if you're uncomfortable."

"‘S okay," Felix mumbles, tucking in his arms and keeping it sandwiched between him and Dimitri. He rubs his face against Dimitri’s shirt, not unlike a cat seeking warmth. "You’re warm…"

And getting warmer too. Dimitri chuckles, only sounding slightly awkward as he shifts around a bit to get comfortable.

"You are, too."

Not that Felix feels the same way. But he doesn't protest as he closes his eyes and Dimitri takes a slow, deep breath.

"Good night, Felix."

Felix can tell that Dimitri is not as comfortable as he was yesterday, but it’s not something he’s too keen to argue against or point out, so he simply takes what Dimitri is willing to give, smiling faintly to himself when he feels Dimitri starting to close his eyes too.

"Good night."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Is this goodbye  
>  Just until we meet again  
> So until then  
> I will try my best to smile_  
> \- "Again" by AmaLee


	4. (bad) decisions

The next five days are trying, but Felix weathers them the best that he could in light of what had transpired. None too eager for a repeat of the incident, he dutifully takes the drug as instructed, though is by no means happy about it. Once his euphoria over being rescued had settled and faded away, it left behind a gaping hole of emptiness that Felix doesn't know how to address, especially when the void tends to be filled with the question of "what next?"

He's quiet and withdrawn throughout the journey, sullen as he settles into the bedroll with Dimitri every night. Truth be told, it's the only part of his day that seemed any measure of worth living for, a familiar comfort that he can no longer imagine going on without.

As such, when they reach Gautier territory and are given separate rooms by the Margrave, Felix finds himself sulking, quite spoiled by Dimitri's constant presence. It's this desire that has him, after taking a nice and long bath, retreating into Dimitri's room instead of his, tucking himself under the sheets and curling up on his bed like it's the most natural thing in the world as he waits for Dimitri to return from his bath.

And it doesn't take long. Dimitri is mostly relaxed as he steps out of the bathroom, clad in nothing but his underclothes and the towel around his shoulders he's still rubbing his head with as he moves to sit on the bed.

Where he then spots Felix, face reddening. "...Felix?"

"Hmm?" Felix tilts his head slightly when he meets Dimitri's gaze, his eyes questioning. "Is something the matter?"

Dimitri worries at his lower lip with his teeth, eyes briefly scanning over the outline of Felix's body beneath the sheets. Not a foreign phenomenon by any means, but the blush creeping to Felix's cheeks is certainly unusual. _How strange._ He thought he had long discarded any notions of embarrassment when it comes to his body, but that apparently isn't the case...

Though this shouldn't be new at all, really. Dimitri had been looking at him strangely too when they were sharing that bedroll, wasn't he? Initially, Felix attributed that to a figment of his imagination, but now... he isn't too sure.

Dimitri shakes his head after a second, clearing his throat. "No, nothing is wrong. I just did not expect you to be here, so I was surprised."

"It's cold in my room."

Not that it would be the case after lighting the fireplace, but the warmth of another person is just far too preferable.

Dimitri rubs at his head with the towel and rises, walking over to where the nightclothes are laid out for him so he can start pulling them on. "I see. ...should I start a fire in here, then?"

"...Please."

Felix lowers his head into the sheets, surprised to note how warm his cheeks are. Dimitri isn't the only one that's looking by any means, and Felix can't help but notice how the years have been kind to Dimitri. It's with mild jealousy that he notes that observation, wondering if he could have had something similar too if fate were a little more kind on his end…

Dimitri starts a small fire, one Felix thinks will heat the room until dawn breaks the chill somewhat. Once it's going, Dimitri blows out the candles. Dimitri pads back over when he's finished, buttoning his shirt up as he slides into bed next to Felix, wearing a shy and fond little grin.

"All right. Come here, then."

Felix is only too glad to take up Dimitri on that invitation, wasting no time in scooting close so he could rest his cheek on Dimitri's shoulder. Leaning into that enticing warmth, he drapes an arm over Dimitri's waist, content for the moment.

"...Good night."

Dimitri returns the greeting softly, closing his eyes. Felix sighs, and for a minute, tries to sleep in this new position. But leaning on someone's shoulder isn't exactly the most comfortable place to try and sleep on, so he shifts to back off slightly, flipping over to another position on his side, his back towards Dimitri. Finding that a lot better, he presses his back flush against Dimitri's chest, finding himself fitting well next to it...

...Too well, actually, considering what starts pressing against his ass the moment he lingers.

"Dimitri...?"

Felix calls out as his heart skips a beat at the contact, his voice small and questioning, the name foreign on his lips as he tries to makes heads or tails of this phenomenon. It... shouldn't be much of a surprise considering what he's seen lately, of the looks Dimitri would steal or the redness that coats Dimitri's cheeks, but for Dimitri to actually be no exception to how others feel about him...

...It's both a shame and something that has his heart soaring.

"I—I'm sorry, just... ignore it and keep some space there."

Dimitri's attempt to downplay the occurrence drives a white hot knife through Felix's chest, a throbbing pain that has him letting out a sharp breath in an attempt to ease it.

It doesn't help much, and it has Felix pressing his hand over his heart, clutching his shirt as if his life depended on it.

"I'm... too dirty for you, aren't I...?"

Felix closes his eyes, swallowing as the line of thought settles upon him. That's the only reason why Dimitri would deny his attraction to him, isn't it? Not that he could blame him, considering how several others have rejected him on that basis…

"No," Dimitri says through what seems like clenched teeth, pulling Felix back against his chest and resting his hand over Felix's tightened fist. "No, that isn't it. You're still on those drugs, and I just... you don't have to do anything like that anymore."

But by the time Dimitri's reassurance comes along, it's far too late for Felix's tears, which come in earnest as he hangs his head. Undeserving as he feels with regard to this comfort, he still places his other hand over Dimitri's fist, holding it close and praying all the same that he doesn't let go.

"What else can I do?" Felix asks, defeated as a sob escapes him. "They've taken away my sword. I can't—"

 _—even be your shield_ , Felix almost wants to say, but guilt eats at him and stops him mid sentence, thinking himself unworthy of the title especially after the lengths he'd gone to distance himself from Dimitri and that obligation.

"—do anything of worth anymore."

Dimitri presses his lips together tightly next to Felix's hair. "Strength can be regained. Regardless, you do not need to _do_ anything to be of worth, least of all in my eyes. You will always be someone I cherish, no matter what."

Lifting his head, Dimitri curls over and gently kisses Felix's cheek.

"Why..."

Even as Dimitri pulls back, the touch of Dimitri's lips linger upon Felix's tear-stained cheek, causing no shortage of warmth to flow through him. He's not sure what's speaking anymore, what's pushing him to say all these things he otherwise would refrain from, but once the dam is broken, everything just seems to keep flowing.

"...I turned my back on you. Called you a boar and treated you badly."

And now, Felix is worse than the boar he has so condemned. Perhaps, this is what they call divine retribution for his sin…

"You weren't wrong," Dimitri says, "It wasn't too long after we lost you that I almost lost myself to hatred. Even now, it's like you said—I'm a beast craving blood. Why would I resent you for seeing the truth, or for wanting to put some distance between us?"

Dimitri exhales. "I will always care for you, Felix. Nothing that you or anyone else might do will change that."

Felix thinks that he should be scared of that admission, that the beast he so detested still lurks within Dimitri as he speaks.

But Felix experiences none of this expected dread, and disgust is such a far away thought unless it's something directed towards himself. But even that is ebbing away along with his tears, leaving him with a heavy heart and tight throat.

"Then," Felix swallows, exhaling as he lets the rest of his statement spill out before he loses his nerve, "would you bed me tonight?"

Dimitri's body easily confirms his answer to the questionable proposal that Felix speaks of, making Felix wonder yet again about Dimitri's hesitation, a foreign occurrence in this type of unwanted business he deals with.

Dimitri takes a shuddering breath, letting go of Felix's hand in favor of taking hold of his chin. Felix meets his gaze, steady as he waits for Dimitri to speak.

"That's... really something you want?" Dimitri asks. "I would never be able to forgive myself if you did it because you feel like you have to."

"Yes." 

Maybe part of it is instinct, still, but Felix knows. That there is, for whatever else his other reasons are, a part of him that _does_ want it. Which is why his whisper comes out determined despite the sorrow that lines his eyes as he reaches to cup Dimitri's cheek with his free hand. Dimitri's lashes flutter at the touch of Felix's hand, fingertips cool in comparison to the heat of his cheeks.

"Please," Felix breathes, "let it all have been worth something."

"Felix..."

Despite Dimitri's seeming interest, Felix finds himself praying for Dimitri's affirmation anyway, unsure if Dimitri's reservations would call him to pull back again. But when Dimitri draws closer, he finds his heart skipping a beat before it starts to pound faster against his chest. Dimitri leans over and inward until his nose brushes against Felix's, searching his gaze for what Felix thinks to be either fear or distaste. 

A moment later, Dimitri closes that small distance to softly press a kiss to his lips. Expected as it is, the gentle kiss still manages to steal his breath away, seizing his throat with emotion as the threat of tears surge forward yet again.

Taking the time to breathe and swallow, he presses back just as gently, more prepared to return Dimitri's affection once he's properly steeled himself. He's not as experienced in kissing compared to other things his mouth was often used for, but he knows his way around it, and there's something to be said about actually engaging with someone he likes, the warm feeling swelling in his chest foreign, but not entirely welcome as he parts his mouth to suck gently at Dimitri's lower lip.

Dimitri whimpers, pressing into the kiss with heat and desperation… and something else that shouldn't be there. The Felix of the past would have had trouble sensing it, but Felix as he is now has no problems sensing that Dimitri isn't as into it as he should be—a fact that has him confused, his stomach flopping in unease. Is something off with his technique? That's always worked, and even if Dimitri is pushing back just as passionately, there's something forced about it, even if that whimper doesn't sound at all unnatural...

So why does Felix feel like his heart is about to break?

Amidst his own building arousal, Felix breaks away from the kiss, panting heavily as he hangs his head, lowering his hand to Dimitri's shoulder and ignoring the fact that Dimitri tried to chase after his lips for a few seconds. Twisting his body towards Dimitri, Felix rests his forehead against the curve of his neck and shoulder, frowning slightly.

"...You don't want it."

 _Or me for that matter_ , a voice in Felix's head calls out, but he refuses to say it out loud, afraid of what might happen should Dimitri choose to affirm his worst fear. That Dimitri is simply humoring him given that he's still recovering from that drug.

Dimitri lifts a hand to his mouth, no doubt trying to catch his breath.

"I just..."

Felix's stomach drops when Dimitri lets out a frustrated sigh and rolls over on his back and away from him, but the arm around him manages to keep him hanging on to the possibility that all is not lost. He clings to that thought like a lifeline, lips pursed as he waits for Dimitri to continue.

"...I've thought about this, you know," Dimitri continues, voice still rough and thick. "Before now. Holding you, kissing you, even... more than that. But it just feels wrong to do this for the first time when you're under the influence of something."

...So Dimitri did always want him, but wanted things in a different circumstance. The line of logic is so absurd to his ears, especially when he's right here, offering what Dimitri's always wanted, yet part of it is so Dimitri that his urge to laugh offsets the need for tears. It comes off choked, but at least he's no longer seized by the urge to cry.

...For now.

"And so? How about what I want?"

Truth be told, he isn't sure, really. What he wants, that is. Certainly, a part of him has always loved Dimitri—it's an instinct burned deep into his flesh, one that he happily renews with each moment he spends in the presence of the man he's been born for. Even when he started hating the boar that lurked within, it hadn't completely died out. He merely suppressed it underneath caustic remarks, a refusal to spend more time than is necessary around this wretched creature that had taken hold of the friend he once knew...

But Dimitri has a point. He's not in the best state of mind right now, and Felix, even through the haze keeping him pliant, thinks he may not actually want this in a normal situation, with how warped he has become thanks to what he's gone through.

Still, it's the "may" of that theoretical that keeps him in Dimitri's embrace, Why did it matter anyway? It certainly didn't for everyone else... does it go around again to those farcical ideals that Dimitri and company like to hold?

"I'm not a baby you have to coddle," Felix mumbles next to Dimitri.

Dimitri exhales slowly, gently squeezing Felix with one arm.

"Am I coddling you?" Dimitri asks, sounding like he has a smile on his lips. "I would hope you would feel similarly if I were to drink too much alcohol or something like that."

"That's different."

 _Or is it?_ Some part of Felix thinks that Dimitri may be right, but there's a part of him that still wishes to insist on his point... though perhaps that's simply due to him being petty at being in the losing side of this argument.

"...Some other time, then."

Either way... the urge to prove himself seems to be ebbing, and he finds him satisfied with just lying down next to Dimitri.

Dimitri curls over to face him again, pressing a soft, sweet kiss to the corner of Felix's mouth. A kiss does a lot to assuage Felix's aching heart, and it has his cheeks warming too.

"Yes," Dimitri says.

Ducking under the warmth of Dimitri's embrace, Felix manages a hum of acknowledgment before he lets his hand drift over Dimitri's waist, draping the rest of his arm over it in a half hug. Dimitri tucks the arm he's lying down on up underneath the pillow, providing Felix with a much softer surface to rest his face on.

"Good night," Dimitri says as he pulls up the covers up around them properly again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _On this path  
>  I've begun  
> I now can see  
> What could be  
> The future  
> For you and me  
> Though I hope  
> Someday soon  
> I'll understand  
> And recall  
> Just those three words  
> That you had said_  
> \- "Again" by AmaLee
> 
> -
> 
> Thanks for still keeping up with this! Kudos, comments, bookmarks are my fuel!


	5. vaguely a verdant wind AU

With a comfortable bed in a familiar household and presence to rest upon, Felix's sleep is long and uninterrupted, and it's mid-morning by the time he naturally rises. Blinking back the last of his sleepiness, he backs off slightly to shake his hair out of his face, willing for some semblance of wakefulness to come to him.

Dimitri chuckles. "Good morning, Felix."

With some semblance of lucidity returning to him but not fully settling in just yet, Felix jerks in surprise when Dimitri's finger brushes against his cheek to tuck away those stray strands of hair. But once he remembers who it is next to him, he relaxes visibly, letting out a contented sigh. The greeting helps, and Felix, while hanging his head shyly, lifts his hand to keep Dimitri's in place, warm against his cheek.

"'Morning," he says, a touch embarrassed.

Dimitri's hand twitches in surprise, cupping Felix's cheek after a moment as he brushes his thumb over the soft skin there. "Did you sleep well? We've been getting up terribly early the past few days... I thought it might be nice to get a little extra sleep."

Felix leans into Dimitri's touch, closing his eyes briefly. "I did."

It, perhaps, is the longest and most comfortable sleep he's had in a while, but admitting it is rather too much, Felix thinks.

He lets his hand drop between him and Dimitri, watching it as he feels his mind clear slightly, more than it has the past few days. Was it the effect of having to deal with less doses of the drug now, or is it due to the comfort afforded to him by this place and situation...? Whatever the case is, he lets out a slow breath, relishing this moment a bit more before he pulls himself back into a reality they must deal with.

"Still, we need to prepare for the day."

"Yes. We shouldn't impose on the Margrave for too long. Word will have reached Fraldarius by now, anyway. I'm sure Rodrigue is eager to see you." Dimitri pauses, a slight frown creasing his features as he sits up. When he looks back to Felix, he looks a little worried. "...if you prefer it, though, I can ask the Margrave to allow us to stay here until you no longer need the drugs."

Felix chews on his lower lip, pensive. Fraught as his relationship is with Rodrigue, the fire that had led him to detest his father so had long faded, and it's a flame that Felix has no interest in rekindling. Instead, there's just a deep shame that burns at the thought of Rodrigue seeing him like this, so he shakes his head at the thought of going back to Fraldarius so soon.

"If... the Margrave would allow it, I'd appreciate a few more days to recover."

Felix exhales.

"Though I understand if... that's a difficult request, considering how much resources you've already spent on me…"

Especially with this war with the Empire that Dimitri spoke about before... how is rescuing him a tactical move in any way?!

Dimitri reaches out to squeeze Felix's hand briefly. Then he nods, climbing out of the bed as he goes about getting dressed for the morning.

"I'm sure he'll agree to it. But... it is probably for the best if you stay in here while I ask. I'll go over the details with Gustave. Telling the Margrave you are ill and we have not had the opportunity to stop should be enough."

"...Okay."

Felix nods, staring blankly at the empty space Dimitri had vacated in favor of rising to get ready for the day. Already, he misses Dimitri's warmth... should he even get used to this? Dimitri has other duties to attend to, after all, and looking after a dead end like him is hardly a worthy use of his time...

"...Why is there a war going on with the Empire anyway?"

Certainly, the peace they had was fragile, but for it to go this out of control... something big must have happened while he was trapped in Sreng.

Either way, now seems like a good time to catch up as any with regard to the state of the Kingdom, a discussion they've long delayed due to Felix's inability to concentrate on anything during their travel.

Dimitri stiffens, taking in a few deep breaths before he speaks.

"Edelgard is the Flame Emperor," Dimitri says through clenched teeth, looking like a tiger poised to strike. "She has declared war on the church and seeks the unification of Fodlan... by force."

"I... see."

 _Ah._ Dimitri's words and reaction certainly explains a lot, way too much if Felix were to be honest about it. The seething anger in Dimitri's response frightens him a bit, not unlike the tone the Sreng would use with him before they pin some arbitrary fault on him and seek retribution as recompense.

It has Felix grasping the bed sheets tightly before he manages to calm himself with a long breath, hoping his voice doesn't come out too shaky or as faint as his earlier response.

"How's... the war going?"

Though Dimitri did say they couldn't afford a fight on several sides, so it likely isn't going well…

"...Sorry," Dimitri says, the fight draining out of him. Clearly, Felix did not succeed in sounding composed, if he's apologizing like this. "Things are difficult, but not as bad as they could be. She planned well—there was almost a coup in the Kingdom, and half of the Alliance has joined with the Empire. We're working with the other half. Claude's sharp mind is quite the boon."

"Hmm…"

That certainly is heartening to hear. If it's half of Fodlan against the other, then things are not as stacked badly against the Kingdom as they otherwise would.

"Good. If the Professor is with Claude too, then there's nothing to fear."

They were quite the formidable swordsman, a joy to spar with back in those days. The better one by Felix's standards, which is why the invitation to join the Golden Deer house came as a surprise back in the day. Tempting as it was, he had turned it down, a little uneasy about his potential classmates. But once upon a time, he wondered what may have happened if he had decided to accept that invitation, a chance to learn from a swordsman he greatly admired.

Not that there's any use pondering upon that any more. Especially given the way he is now, unable to wield a sword...

Felix swallows once more, uncomfortable with the lump in his throat that comes with the thought. Thankfully Dimitri chooses that moment to lower his gaze, not looking like he noticed anything off. "They... actually went missing after the Empire attacked the monastery. But perhaps they will turn up again someday. Claude seems to think they will, at any rate."

Well, isn't that a familiar story. With some success, Felix manages to shake off the urge to weep alongside his discomfort at the reminder of the situation that echoes his.

"I'm sure they will."

Staying in bed is probably just going to reinforce his feelings of uselessness, so Felix makes a move to rise, pulling himself to a seating position before he takes the time to stretch.

"Where's everyone right now?"

Notably Sylvain and Ingrid. Dimitri glances out the window, at the sun in the sky. With a sigh, he moves to start combing his hair.

"They're all safe. It's starting to get a little late, though. Why don't I tell you in detail after I work things out with the Margrave? We can have breakfast in here and talk about it. There's a lot to catch up on."

"Alright."

Satisfied with that explanation for now, Felix shifts to plant his feet on the ground, pushing himself up to a shaky stand.

"I'll... freshen up a bit. And wait here."

Illogical as it is, the thought of being separated from Dimitri, albeit briefly, causes his blood to run cold, but he stamps down that nervous urge, letting shame do its job in that regard.

"Sorry. I know it's boring, but," Dimitri offers Felix a small smile as he moves to tug on his shoes. "I'll be back as soon as I can."

And with that, Dimitri leaves the room to deal with Margrave Gautier.

* * *

Felix is quick with getting freshened up, and as such, is left a lot of time to himself. To use freely, for the first time in two years. At first he paces the room to work away his anxiety, but ten minutes of doing so don't seem to cure it, so he quits doing it. He then moves to lie down on the bed again, thus undoing his earlier preparations, but when that does nothing for him too, he gets up and starts fussing around the drawers to see what he could use to kill the time.

As expected, there is nothing of note in their emptiness. Tempted as he is to go out of the room to check what's up with Dimitri, he remembers his promise to him all too well, and thus refrains from going out. It's with a sigh that he settles on a chair across the dresser, trying to see what he could do about his long hair that's almost always fanned out around him.

Felix is in the middle of braiding his hair when Dimitri comes back an hour later with a tray of food and tea.

"He said he doesn't mind," Dimitri says as he nudges the door behind him close. "We can stay here."

Felix turns to give him a grin, relief palpable in his expression. "That's good to hear."

Dimitri's gaze lingers on Felix, and for a moment, Felix waits for him to speak.

"You like pine needle tea, do you not?"

But when Dimitri declines to comment and speaks about a whole different thing while starting to set the small table in the room, Felix pauses about two-thirds through his task, flushing slightly as he looks away in embarrassment.

"Yes, but… my hair looks bad, doesn't it?"

Dimitri coughs, awkwardly covering up nervous laughter, taking a while to peek over his shoulder at Felix. "Not at all. I think it looks lovely."

So convinced is Felix of Dimitri's rejection that the compliment takes him by surprise, and for a moment, Felix thinks he might have just imagined it. But when he tilts his head slightly to see Dimitri's face and his shy smile doesn't look like it has disappeared, Felix has to concede that this is, in fact, reality.

"...You're kidding me."

A reality that causes him to color some more as he decides that the braid is okay as it is. He wraps it up with one of the ties he found inside the dresser, and after tossing the braid behind him, he ambles towards the table where Dimitri had set their meal.

"Did the Margrave say anything else?" Felix asks as he takes a seat. "You took a while."

He tries to keep the accusation and whine off his tone, but feels like he's only minimally successful in that regard. Hopefully Dimitri doesn't call him out on it anyway.

"He wanted to discuss everything that's happened in the months that I was gone," Dimitri says. "Since he's graciously hosting us, I thought it would be rude to refuse."

Fortunately, Dimitri leaves it. He pours them both a cup of tea, settling down. Since it's past the hour for breakfast, the selection isn't fancy—some bread, cheese, a little fruit, and a sausage.

Felix takes the time to drink in the familiar, comforting smell of the tea before blowing gently on it and having a sip. Humming his satisfaction, he turns his attention towards the humble spread, picking up a piece of bread and cheese, both of which he nibbles on. He'll take some of the fruit later, but as for that sausage...

Felix frowns at it, unsure. Once upon a time, he wouldn't hesitate taking it, but with the way he threw up when he partook in some of those meat rations on the way back to the Kingdom, it doesn't seem like the best idea. So with some ounce of regret, he turns away from it and goes back to the pieces of food he had taken.

"Can you... elaborate on how everyone's doing?"

"Of course."

Felix slowly gets through his meal as Dimitri begins his story, smiling faintly as he hears about Sylvain coordinating with Claude. He's always thought of them as a potentially dangerous combination, to say the least of it, and with them both on board, it's difficult to imagine an outcome that would not result in victory. Ingrid seems to be doing well too, coordinating the defense of Arianrhod with an elite pegasus unit she's taken command of. Both were distraught about him going missing, and it took a lot of arguing to get Sylvain and Ingrid to stay behind.

Dedue's situation, strangely enough, makes him glad too. Despite how caustic they were as a combination back in their academy days, a part of him had always held out the hope that he would find a purpose beyond serving Dimitri. And here it is, an actual reality everyone is working towards.

After Claude reached out to the Kingdom as a whole, he reached out to Dedue in particular, urging him to reconnect with the people of Duscur to unite them against the ones that actually caused the tragedy. A few figures in the Kingdom are still in a huff over the whole thing, but with the overwhelming mountain of evidence produced by Claude and affirmed by Dimitri's memories and the questioning of Cornelia, they've mostly fallen in line. It'll take quite some time yet before anyone from Duscur is actually ready to mobilize, though.

Though all the same, there is an ugly part of him that is a little jealous at the way Dimitri waxes poetic about Dedue's achievements, quite sizable in the time that Felix was idle back in Sreng. As such, Felix spends that portion of the talk concentrating on his tea, trying not to show how sullen he is by taking careful and measured sips.

He does turn serious when Dimitri starts to make mention of Ashe's plight, as well as Annette's. Ashe is having a hard time coming face to face with the reality of war, so different from the glorious tales he's so fond of. Annette had a rough patch too — her uncle was among those ready to defect to the empire, and her family is strained as a result. Her father being as withdrawn as he is isn't exactly easy, either.

Mercedes's state worries him as well, even if Dimitri says she's safe in the church she's currently serving as an ascetic of. It's a little too close to Empire territory, he thinks, though given that she had positioned herself there so she could pass on any useful information to the Kingdom, it makes reluctant sense.

By the end of it, Felix's bread and cheese is gone, and he's thoughtful as he picks up one of the grapefruit slices and chews on it.

"How about you? What will you be doing next?"

Felix lowers his gaze, unsettled. Now that he is secure back in Kingdom territory, there's no point in Dimitri hanging around him anymore, Felix could not help but think with some regret. Of course, he wants to spend more time with Dimitri, but it would be selfish of him to keep their king all to himself given everything that needs to be done. Especially when the thing that Felix is best at right now is being useless.

"...truthfully, I am not certain. I plan to ask Rodrigue's opinion once we reach the estate. I…"

Dimitri glances away, reddening slightly.

"I have not been in the best state of mind."

Without a teacup to hide behind, the splash of red that colors Felix's cheeks is visible for anyone to see, the realization of its openness only deepening the blush that coats his face.

Dimitri... had been worried about him for that long? It seems unbelievable, yet that's the reality staring him in the face, and he'd have to exercise some willful blindness should he decide to turn a blind eye to it. Even if it really is unbelievable to his ears, given his relationship with Dimitri prior to his rescue.

"...Sorry," Felix whispers, not specifying what he's apologizing for. Dimitri's state before finding him? The awkward question with no certain answer? Perhaps both, but at the very least, he manages the word without having the urge to cry over it.

"You have done nothing you need to apologize for. It was by no fault of your own," Dimitri reaches out to place a hand on Felix's knee, gently squeezing. "I'm just glad you're here now. It wasn't easy to find you—it seemed impossible at times."

 _But if I were stronger_ , is the thought that rings in his head, but Felix purses his lips and squashes the thought, dwelling instead on that comforting hand over his knee and the words that follow.

Felix rests his hand over Dimitri's, moving to thread his fingers into the aforementioned, watching the curve of his fingers intertwine with Dimitri's.

"How did you manage it, then?" Felix can't help but ask, a little curious. While his presence and identity seemed to be an open secret among the soldiers in general, he isn't sure how much of it is actually known outside the Sreng military...

"I increased efforts to gather intelligence from Sreng. I think they must not have realized we would still be looking after a year had passed. Six months ago..."

Dimitri's hand starts to ball into a fist. Felix worries at his lower lip when Dimitri ends up gripping his hand a little too tightly. But before it goes right into unbearable territory, Dimitri relaxes, allowing Felix to let out the breath he had been unconsciously holding.

Dimitri continues, "We heard that women in Sreng were being encouraged to go to the city we found you in. So that they could potentially bear children with a major crest."

"...So that's what it was about," Felix says quietly, a mystery solved in his eyes. Prior to the time frame Dimitri mentioned, it's usually been just men that would bed him, but recently there's been an influx of women to his room, some of them reluctant once they saw his state. Not that he has any spare sympathy for them, given what they eventually decide to put him through anyway…

"Those filthy creatures," Dimitri growls, voice barely even sounding human anymore.

"It's…"

 _...fine_ , Felix wants to say, but is it, truly? Especially when Felix still feels a little uneasy when he recalls the way several men would hold him down as various women would take turns with him. The memory is not exactly distant, along with the various ways they would bring him close to the edge but never let him seek release until they had a woman for him to please...

Felix shudders, absently squeezing Dimitri's hand.

"I'm here now, aren't I?"

Dimitri withers, taking a deep breath. "Sorry. You're right. I did not mean to frighten you."

He turns his hand to face palm up, properly lacing his fingers with Felix's.

"Don't... apologize."

This time, Felix is surprised to note how faint his voice sounds. Is he still that chilled by the memory...? How pathetic, but that's how it is.

"I'm... glad. That…"

Felix settles for lowering his head, not that it helps with his intent to hide the wetness starting to build at the corner of his eyes. Briefly, he curses himself for thinking of braiding his hair, leaving him nothing to hide behind as tears start to drip onto his lap.

"...you saved me."

Dimitri scoots his chair over until he's close enough to wrap an arm around Felix's shoulders, gently pulling him close. Felix takes the invitation, leaning over and choosing to hide on Dimitri's shoulder. He lets his tears spill upon Dimitri's sleeve as he wraps his arms loosely around Dimitri's waist. Yet, somewhere amidst his gratefulness lies an undercurrent of fear, of not knowing what the future holds for someone like him. Now that he's had a taste of what it's like to be close to Dimitri again, it's hard to let go of that, but still... is there truly a place for a someone like him by Dimitri's side? In the past, there might have been, but now...

...Felix doesn't know. The way he is now, he's only a burden, worse than any kind of trash anyone could dream up. Trash at least had served some sort of purpose before they were slated to be discarded, but Felix hadn't even come close to fulfilling his, choosing the way of a meandering sword just to stubbornly cling to a line of thought that no one but he subscribed to.

But despite that, Dimitri still chose to save him. Because he cherished him, meaningless as Felix's own loyalties were.

"...I missed you too," Felix says after a while, realizing he means every word of it, along with a certain realization that comes to mind. Truly, the man and beast are one--the beast had saved him, and the man is healing him, comforting him as he trembles as he thinks of what could have eventually become of him if Dimitri never found him, cries out the ache he feels at not wanting to go back at that way of life even if it's all he knows at the moment. It's a love that Felix thinks he doesn't deserve at all, but selfish being as he is, he greedily takes it for all it's worth, willing for Dimitri's selflessness to take in even that ugly emotion.

Dimitri twists slightly, pointing his torso toward Felix. Lowering his face, he rests his cheek on top of Felix's head. For a while, Felix simply indulges in this solace that Dimitri so willingly gives to him, letting out the sadness and heartache he could not properly express the few odd times he found himself in tears. Dimitri's embrace provides him the catharsis he never thought he needed, a comforting salve for his weary heart.

By the time he's done, his chest feels lighter than it was before, a small mercy given his sure to be red-rimmed eyes. Blinking back the last of it, he exhales deeply before he pulls away from Dimitri, his gaze cast downward as he contemplates the reality he needs to continue to walk through. He feels he should say something, yet none of the words in his mind seem right for the situation, so he opts to maintain his silence.

Dimitri draws his arm back after one more gentle squeeze. "Let's get you some water. If we're going to get you off that drug, you need to be hydrated."

"...Yeah."

Felix does not sound too enthusiastic once the drug is mentioned, but a sigh later, he lets his gaze fall on their half-eaten spread and noticeably missing water from it. Understandably so, considering Dimitri couldn't possibly carry an ewer on top of that tray he already had to bring up.

"I'll... count on you then."

It feels a little embarrassing using Dimitri as a common manservant, but what other recourse did he have? He doesn't want to draw attention to himself the way he is right now, and he's had enough of the pitying and fearful glances he'd get from strangers who only knew part of his plight.

With a soft sigh of his own, Dimitri rises. "Does anything else sound good? Juice, perhaps? Broth?"

Felix could feel his brow twitching slightly at the follow up question, quite reminiscent of how a mother would nag after its child. With the concerned child being Felix, a comparison that he isn't too keen on. It's so childish, and yet he finds himself a little more annoyed than he should be at this line of conversation.

"...Water is fine," Felix says through furrowed brows, trying to keep his irritation off his tone. He is only minimally successful.

Dimitri seems to get it at least, just nodding and slipping out to get a glass and pitcher of cool water. He returns far faster than when he got breakfast, pouring Felix half a glass and handing it directly to him.

"Here."

"Thanks."

By the time Dimitri returns, Felix has settled into some semblance of neutrality, a little dull when he accepts the glass of water from Dimitri. It goes down quickly, and so does another glass that he pours for himself. The next one goes down a little slower, and the one after that is left on the table, half-empty as Felix contemplates it, wondering if he should just leave it.

"That's probably enough for the moment. You don't want to get sick."

Considering the sun is starting to reach a height at which Felix starts feeling poorly thanks to the drug leaving his system, it's not an unwarranted concern. Though all the same, Felix doesn't feel inclined to answer verbally, so he just gives Dimitri a simple nod.

"Are you still feeling all right?" Dimitri asks, stretching his hand out and pressing the back of it to Felix's forehead.

Felix pouts as Dimitri starts fussing about him, none too pleased about this grousing better left to a mother yet again. "I'm fine. I told you to quit babying me."

But Dimitri's hand is warm, and not exactly unwelcome, he thinks, even if his purposes are much to be desired...

Dimitri pulls his hand back and runs it through his own hair. "Sorry. I just keep thinking back to that night after we refused the drugs from Gilbert. The medic said your heart started to give out, and I..."

With a small shudder, Dimitri hugs himself. "I just want it to go well this time."

Now that just makes Felix feel terrible. Is it the recovery process causing him to act like this? Or would he have acted like this regardless? Felix isn't sure, and that's what has guilt clawing at his chest for his petulant attitude. With a heavy heart, he reaches for Dimitri's shoulder and pushes his palm against it in some sort of pseudo-reassurance.

"...Sorry. I…"

Felix hangs his head in shame, trying to find the right words to express himself. But they don't come, and that's what leaves him silent after that, simply touching Dimitri's shoulder the way he is.

Dimitri shakes his head, taking hold of that hand and turning his head, lightly brushing his lips atop Felix's knuckles. "...let's just lie down."

"Mmm."

With a faint blush coating his cheeks, Felix makes a move to rise, thinking the proposal good as he unties his hair and lets the rest of his braid come loose. After all, nothing really goes wrong when they lie down for a bit, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _How could I  
>  Not realize  
> That all this time  
> You've been here  
> Every day  
> Right by my side  
> Through the best  
> Through the worst  
> Through every tear  
> I have found  
> My way again  
> Because you're here_  
> \- "Again" by AmaLee
> 
> -
> 
> Yes, this thing actually has a plot... sorta. Please don't hesitate to let me know your thoughts! Feedback is loved, as always <3


	6. again

He was wrong.

Felix's general mood does not improve as the day goes by, his first without taking the drug. Unable to really go back to sleep, he lies restlessly in Dimitri's arms, waking up every 10 minutes or so before giving up after 2 hours. It frustrates him more than it should, to the point that it brings him to tears for a moment before he gets a proper hold of himself.

Then the chills come once more, and Felix finds himself wondering again if the goddess has come to take him as he shivers and sweats out what he thinks to be his very being. Nothing at all seems to help assuage it—not Dimitri's warmth, nor the additional blanket he begs Dimitri to give him. Like those that came for him during their trip back, they're unbearable, one that has him half-wishing that he had the opportunity to run a sword through himself just to end it all.

On top of that, it turns out it wasn't the smoked meat rations that were the problem. He spends a good portion of an hour throwing up into a bowl as Dimitri holds his hair behind him. Anything in his stomach seems destined to come out about half a day after the drug wears off, making him wish that he took that piece of meat after all if he was just going to die that day.

He only realizes he spoke the last part out loud when he looks up to Dimitri's horrified and tearful expression, a sight that burns itself in his mind, and has him swearing to himself that he'll try and watch himself better. Though for better or for worse, that's what has Dimitri bringing out the drug for hopefully the last time, just so he could manage to sleep through this night and weather the withdrawal symptoms better the next day.

It, cursed the blasted thing, relieves the worst of his ails not too long after. Soon, he stops sweating and feeling like he's about to freeze to death, and is somehow able to rest a little more peacefully against Dimitri as a result. Even if he's still shivering on occasion.

"...let's take a bath, Felix. It'll warm you up properly, then we can go to sleep."

"...Okay," Felix says, a little blearily.

A bath does sound good... Now that his brain can focus on other things, the first thing to catch his attention is how drenched in sweat his shirt is. And that's not even getting started on the smell of the thing.

Reluctantly, Felix pushes himself away from Dimitri, preparing to rise on his side of the bed. Dimitri rises quickly, heading into the bathroom to get the water going. While it fills, he returns, standing at the side of the bed, ready to support Felix. "Lean on me if you need to."

Despite Dimitri obviously babying him, Felix doesn't even have the heart to argue anymore. Not after he gave Dimitri that scare, especially with the way he's been all afternoon.

So even if he feels like he could make it to the bathroom in time, he decides to take Dimitri up on his offer to lean against him. It's the less embarrassing option at least, preferable to actually being carried.

Once they're safely in the bathroom and Felix is close enough to the tub to hold the rim of it if necessary, Dimitri finally takes a few steps away from him, starting to undress. Disinclined towards shyness about his own body, Felix strips unceremoniously, quick about the process despite Dimitri finishing sooner and getting into the tub thereafter. He only hesitates for a bit before he climbs into the bath, making himself comfortable in the only space available—between Dimitri's spread legs.

Felix would be lying if he said he did not have any _interesting_ experiences in the bath during his captivity, but this level of closeness, is at least, foreign in a good way. Closing his eyes briefly, he presses his back lightly against Dimitri's chest, a small reassurance that he is trying his best to relax.

In response, Dimitri lowers an arm under the water, wrapping it around his waist and gently encouraging him to just lie back all the way. And that, Felix does, easy enough when he's spent the past few nights wrapped up in Dimitri's embrace. He tilts his head slightly, letting it rest against Dimitri's collarbone as he brings a hand to lay upon Dimitri's wrist. Taking a small breath, he turns his focus to the warmth of the water—quite good, all things considered. He could already feel some of his tension diffusing—perhaps a fortunate sign given part of the reason why they're soaking in the first place.

"I'm glad you're feeling a little better," Dimitri murmurs softly, turning his face so that his nose rests in Felix's hair, humming to himself. Felix hums as well, oddly reassured by the gesture despite the way his heart twists in guilt at what he had put Dimitri through. Undeserving as he is, Felix leans back into it a bit, allowing a moment to pass before he turns his head to press a small kiss upon Dimitri's brow. Lifting a hand, he cards his fingers through some of Dimitri's loose strands of hair before he sighs deeply.

"I'm sorry I worried you," Felix murmurs, regret seeping into his tone.

He can feel Dimitri heart speeding up against his side, his skin radiating warmth. Shaking his head, Dimitri smiles shyly down at Felix, lightly kissing one of his cheeks in return.

"I suppose you'll just have to let me take care of you until my worries fade, then."

"I'm... not opposed," Felix says, lowering his gaze as he reddens at that return kiss and its accompanying proposal. While he'd prefer to it himself... it has been a while, and if it manages to assuage the worst of Dimitri's worries, then he might as well let him, right?

He isn't a stranger to being used or having someone "take care" of him, so this shouldn't be new. And the fact that it's Dimitri... the thought sets him at ease and has him smiling faintly and leaning forward a bit.

"Will you... get my hair for me?"

"Of course."

Dimitri carefully gathers it up, cupping his hands to scoop some water and wet Felix's scalp. Felix keeps his thighs pressed together as Dimitri gently works the shampoo into a lather, watching his legs stretched out across him and Dimitri's legs surrounding him in parallel. It feels like a lifetime ago since they've done anything like this, but somehow, he can still remember, crystal clear, how so much smaller their legs were, and how it's almost always the other way around, with Felix doing Dimitri's hair instead, a wide grin on his face as he delights in the opportunity to touch his precious Dimitri's hair...

Dimitri kneading at the spot of tension at the base of his skull snaps him out of his reverie, an awakening that draws out a satisfied moan from Felix when the pressure behind his head unravels, giving way to a relief he didn't think he needed. It perhaps is a lot more sensual than is warranted, but Felix doesn't feel embarrassed about it at all, thinking it a natural turn of events for what they both wish to achieve.

"It's not too hard, is it?" Dimitri asks as he coaxes those muscles into releasing the tension that has built up.

"Not at all," Felix says a little breathlessly, letting out a violent shudder when Dimitri manages to coax out a rather difficult spot. "I... I'm fine."

If a little shy, now. Felix slouches into the water, ears warm. Hopefully that extreme reaction doesn't discourage Dimitri from continuing what he was doing…

"Good."

Dimitri does stop after that, but only to rinse Felix's hair out. Rinsing is a welcome break at least, especially when it gets rid of a certain danger that comes with soapy territory. After that's over with, Dimitri lowers his head to kiss Felix's shoulder as he digs in his thumbs, firm without excessive pressure.

"I have a tendency to get headaches. It always helps a little, rubbing it like this."

"It does."

So that's how Dimitri learned it. Figures, though Felix can't help but feel a little guilty for barely noticing it back in the day.

"I'll... have to repay the favor some time."

Dimitri takes a deep breath, exhaling slowly. "I'll be looking forward to it, then."

This soak is really doing wonders for his mood, and so does Dimitri's response, really. The thought of being useful in the future is something he could look forward to, and it's one that has him smiling.

With his hair out of the way, Felix's gaze drifts on the soap laid out for them, reminding him of what else needs to get done.

"I'll get to my body while you do your own hair, then?"

Since it's not very practical for Felix to return the favor in this regard…

"Mmhmm. Though I can get your back as well, if you like."

"Sure."

Because Dimitri's there anyway, and he did want to take care of Felix, did he not...? Without further ado, Felix grabs for one of the soap bars, gazing at it in wonder before he takes the time to scrub his arms and legs on his own—a luxury he has not had in a long time, at least until yesterday.

Lathering up his hands, Dimitri slides his palms over Felix's back. Felix does not typically enjoy the sensation of someone running their hands over his back, but the fact that it's Dimitri and he does it so reverently and carefully has Felix relaxing into the touch despite himself.

Given how slow Felix is taking it, Dimitri finishes up with his back sooner than Felix does with his limbs. By the time Dimitri stops, Felix is working on his right leg, knee pulled up as he scrubs his ankle and foot clean.

As Felix goes about that, Dimitri turns his attention to himself, washing in silence. Which suits Felix just fine in this situation, an opportunity that allows himself to indulge and enjoy the normalcy of the act. The nostalgia of it all does cause his eyes to prickle slightly, his nose a little red from the urge he tries to suppress. But fortunately, he doesn't give in the urge to cry, and Felix safely wraps up the session by working on his torso.

When that task is completed, he returns the soap and glances to the side, trying to catch Dimitri's eye.

"Are you done with your bath?" Felix asks, tone a little rough from his earlier suppressed urge.

Dimitri nods. "I am. We should probably get out before it starts to cool."

A good idea which Felix is more or less happy to go along with, comfortable as the bath is. Or _was_ , given that he's not the biggest fan of hanging out with soap water.

Dimitri goes ahead and stands, climbing out of the tub first to offer a hand to Felix. Which Felix skips, quite encouraged by the way he manages to stand up in the bath without feeling like death. With both hands on the rim of the tub for support, he manages to get both legs out of the tub, and take a step forward—

—To a world that turns upside down as a dizzy spell causes him to lose his footing. He only topples forward a bit before Dimitri catches him, one arm around his waist pulling him back against his body.

Dimitri reaches for a towel with one hand, wrapping it around Felix and effortlessly scooping him up. "You should probably have a glass of water before we sleep..."

Those are words that earn a breath of protest from Felix, but given that Dimitri more or less saved him from cracking his skull open on the bathroom floor, he decides not to speak against what Dimitri is clearly doing.

Also known as, babying him. The thought churns him more than he'd like to admit, wrapped in a towel and snug in DImitri's arms like he's some sort of child that needs to be protected.

...Which he is, given how _useless_ he is now. Trembling at the thought, Felix just swallows as he shuts his eyes tight, clenching his teeth as he staves off the heat that flares in his chest as something warm prickles at his eyes once more.

Dimitri grabs a second towel while he's at it, carefully carrying Felix back into the bedroom, who lets some of his tears escape. With all the care in the world he lowers Felix to the bed, draping the second towel over that long hair of his, still soaking wet. With a careful squeeze, Dimitri wrings some of the water out.

"Is it any better out here?" Dimitri asks, unheeding of his own complete lack of clothing or the way he's dripping on the floor. "I'll get you some more water, or broth if you think you can handle it."

By now, the urge to weep his heartache out is gone. Instead, Felix just feels numb, Even as he's haunted by jealousy at the effortless way Dimitri manages everything, Felix just feels too tired to summon the necessary anger needed to lash out at the unfairness of this world. So he simply gives up on that for the moment, nodding slightly at the proposal.

"Yes, I think... I can manage broth," Felix says numbly, his gaze to the side, facing away from Dimitri.

"All right. Good."

From the corner of his eye, Felix could see Dimitri making his way back to the bathroom, no doubt using the last towel there to rub down his own hair and body and to tug on some clothes to make himself decent. A moment later, he reappears by Felix, placing some clothes for him on the bed.

"I'll be back soon."

Past the haze of apathy that Felix decides to hide behind, he senses Dimitri's apprehension in his tone, no doubt perturbed by the way Felix is acting.

 _Great._ Now he's both useless and worried someone he cares about. But so tired is he that he can't manage the false reassurances needed to ease those feelings, simply managing another bob of his head to acknowledge Dimitri's statement before he slips out of the room.

While Dimitri is out, Felix at least makes an effort to don the clothes that Dimitri had set out for him— a button down nightshirt, underclothes, and drawstring pants—and sit up on the bed instead of lying down on it. With his legs tucked underneath the covers, he's shifted to staring blankly across the room, eyes on the wall as he waits for Dimitri to return with the things he promised.

Dimitri returns with a bowl of stew for himself, a fresh pitcher of water, and broth and crackers for Felix. Instead of setting it on the table, Dimitri settles with placing it near Felix, picking up his own bowl to take a few bites.

"Let me know if anything more substantial sounds good."

It isn't only him that's listless, and that's what has Felix's heart twisting when Dimitri settles by his side. But he knows. There's nothing he could say right now that will make it better for Dimitri or for him, so he simply grunts his acknowledgement as he leans forward to get himself something to eat and drink. He grits his teeth when he spills some of the water on the tray when he attempts to pour it for himself, but he squashes that feeling of inadequacy with some measure of success. Forcing down that glass, he takes the broth that Dimitri promised, taking the warm bowl in his hands as he prepares to sit back again. The crackers might be nice, but he barely has an appetite as things stand...

Doing away with the spoon, a potential tool he'd probably fumble with, Felix opts to sip straight from the bowl, trying to let that filling warmth soothe the coolness that had settled in his chest. On a physical level, it does warm him, but his weariness lingers, an ugly reminder of the emotions that leave him exhausted as he struggles to go about this trial called "living".

Sitting together, they eat their meal in silence, and thankfully manage through it without any mishaps. Once Felix finishes the bowl, he sets it back on the tray, the effort of which leaves him languid, never mind the fact that he's done nothing of note the past few days.

"Would... you like me to help you with your hair?" Dimitri asks, tentative. "If we braid it, it won't get in your way."

For a moment, Felix considers rejecting Dimitri's offer, not at all feeling up to it. He simply wants to try and go to sleep to forget things for a while, a small reprieve from having to deal with the same thing again tomorrow. But he remembers the look that Dimitri wore when he expressed his sentiment of wanting to die, and that's on top of the gloomy and worried air that hung about him—something that is surely Felix's fault. _Again._

Felix sighs. If anything, if he could be less of a worrisome burden on Dimitri... then that's something, isn't it?

"...Sure," he says, tone still dull. But he at least shifts to sitting on the side of the bed, making space for Dimitri to sit and mess with his hair however he pleased.

Dimitri takes the tray and rises, putting it on the table for the moment. He slips into the bathroom to get a comb, settling beside Felix to start gently working it through his hair. Despite the gentle way Dimitri works through his hair, Felix sinks right back into his thoughts even with the lack of comfort they allowed. It isn't like reality isn't any more reassuring, even when Dimitri's cupping his cheek like that and pressing his lips right against his pulse point—

—Wait, _what_?

Felix warms at the sensation, gasping softly as surprise widens his eyes. Why is Dimitri...?

...He's worried about him, isn't he? Felix already knows that, given it's one fact that has him out of sorts right now. But more than that...

Dimitri... just wants Felix to feel something, doesn't he? No, it seems to be something more than that... Felix swallows as his pulse jumps, his line of thought leading him to another direction...

...Dimitri simply wants to feel that he's alive. That is all, and nothing more from Felix. The truth is much more simple, yet it's that same simplicity that has a familiar warmth burning his nose and prickling the corners of his eyes.

"I'll be fine," Felix says, voice small as he tries to fight this new wave of tears that threatens to wash over him. He doesn't deserve any of this, yet when it comes to Dimitri, it seems that point will always be moot. Whether or not he deserves it never seems to be a matter of consequence to Dimitri—a fact that Felix still struggles to wrap his mind around, yet finds to be bafflingly true all the same.

Dimitri inhales slowly, playing his lips over Felix's neck with gentle, open-mouthed kisses. Felix's tears do come as Dimitri presses those kisses against the curve of his throat, but Felix manages to stifle the sob that comes, swallowing the rest of his crying fit down. 

When Dimitri lifts his face he only pulls back for a moment, just enough to resituate himself so that his forehead rests against Felix's. Dimitri strokes his cheek with his thumb as he gazes into his eyes, searching.

"I'll be here," Dimitri finally says.

At that time, Felix is back to being numb to the sadness that threatens to consume him. But Dimitri's words get through him, a comforting heat that pierces through that apathetic front that he is in the middle of putting up again. He feels like his face is on fire, a phenomenon not at all helped by the way Dimitri's breath ghosts against his lips, mouthing a promise he so sorely needs that moment.

"I'm... not going to be easy to deal with," Felix says, gaze lowered as uncertainty fills his eyes, twisting his gut. Tempted as he is to take those words for what they are, it seems wrong to simply do so, especially when there's many more people far more deserving of Dimitri's presence.

"That sounds like a threat," Dimitri says. For a moment, Felix thinks he might be serious—but then his smile gives him away. Dimitri leans in, briefly brushing their lips together before he straightens up. "I do not expect things to be 'easy'. All I ask is for you to stay by my side. Nothing else matters."

And again, Dimitri reaffirms what he's said in that almost dream of Felix's. Not even seeing him at one of his lowest moments seems to stop the conviction that flows with those words, and even Felix himself is powerless to argue what seems to be a fact.

"You're…"

Felix thought his tears were more or less done with him for the night, but they come back with a menace anyway, as if seeking revenge for not allowing themselves to be shed earlier.

But unlike those other instances, Felix manages to smile through them, meeting Dimitri's gaze as his tears weave a hot trail down his cheeks.

"...so stubborn…"

But that's one of the many things he's always loved about Dimitri, wasn't it? Even when he hid it behind that veil of annoyance, he could not help but begrudgingly admire that boar-like persistence to keep trying, to keep reaching out to a friend who had long since abandoned him...

And now... it allows Dimitri to love someone as worthless as him. It's not at all what he expected from that tendency, yet it's something that seems to hold true that moment, no matter what angle Felix chooses to look at it.

"Maybe." Dimitri returns his smile with undisguised adoration, tenderly brushing those tears away. "I suppose you'll just have to learn to put up with it."

"I guess." Once Dimitri is done wiping away his tears, Felix tips forward, letting his forehead rest against Dimitri's chest as he takes a breath to calm himself. "You're... going to have to put up with me anyway."

"Gladly." Dimitri wraps his arms around Felix, pulling him close. "Let's get some rest."

"Mmm."

Felix wraps his arms loosely around Dimitri, giving him a light squeeze as he breathes in his scent. For better or for worse, somehow, he feels he's not going to get sick of these embraces anytime soon. But rest does sound like a good idea, and it's what has him pulling his legs back onto the bed, making a move to settle back into the covers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _There's so much light in you  
>  Though you don't believe it's true  
> So tomorrow I'll say it all again  
> Until you believe_  
> \- "Again" by AmaLee


	7. and again

The next three days are more of the hell that Felix experienced the past afternoon, but as promised, Dimitri weathers it together with him, a reassuring presence during those trying times. At the very least, keeping food down seems to be a more doable option, even if it's limited to soft food and broth for the most part. Nausea doesn't quite leave him, but it's not debilitating, and none of his troubles were bad enough to merit the use of that drug again.

Those days eventually pass into a week, by the end of which, Felix feels less like death. Sleep is still a difficult task, but at least the chills have mostly subsided, and he manages a piece of sausage without giving in to the urge to throw up afterwards.

For the most part, he just feels tired, physically and emotionally. Raw from being unable to do anything on his own, and wallowing in related thoughts that leave him weeping in Dimitri's arms more often than is warranted.

Still, with his mind clear of the drug and the worst of the withdrawal over with, discussions of returning to Fraldarius are had and arranged for, slated two days later. One of the relevant arrangements includes a medic coming to check on Felix the night before they are to leave. Tired of being a bedridden mess, Felix requests for the check-up to take place in the Gautier castle's drawing room, forcing himself downstairs in a simple turtleneck and pants with his hair tied in a loose ponytail.

The medic gives him the official clear, and though Felix feels he should be happy about it, a gnawing anxiety remains at what waits for him at Fraldarius, of the disappointment sure to be painted across his father's face once he learns Felix is of no use as a swordsman.

These worries linger as he returns to the room he shares with Dimitri, enough for him not to think on the fact that it's unlocked in the first place. Slipping in and closing the door behind him, he lifts his lowered gaze—

—To a sight that takes him aback in several ways. Of Dimitri twisted in the sheets, his head turned to the side to press into the blankets fisted in one hand, his other hand desperately working at his cock.

"Dimitri...?" Felix whispers, stomach twisting in unease.

Dimitri bolts into a sitting position, cheeks flooding with color as he gapes at Felix, guilt etched all over his face.

Felix, for what seems to be an eternity, simply gapes right back at Dimitri. There's no getting around what Dimitri was doing, nor was there another way to interpret it. Dimitri was working off some pent-up stress that needed to be released, and it's clear that Felix is to blame for it in more ways than one.

Two years ago, Felix would not have picked up on that, or the fact that Dimitri was clearly jerking it off to thoughts of him, wrapped up in their bedsheets like that. But that reality nags at him right there, along with the reasons why Dimitri would choose to do it. A misguided way of looking out for him due to what he had undergone? That's likely...

...But all the same, it doesn't stop certain feelings of inadequacy from resurfacing. Dimitri did say he did not care about Felix being dirty, and it's a moot point now given that the healer pronounced him clean—a thought that should have occurred to him given what the Sreng were trying to use him for—but all the same. Dimitri doesn't know that. Did some part of Dimitri have reservations because of that? Or was he simply in love with the idea of Felix, an idealized image far from the worthless man he's spent night after night with?

"The medic... said I'm clean," Felix says through gritted teeth, hanging his head as something prickles at the corner of his eyes again, as it always seems to nowadays.

"That's—"

Dimitri pauses, clearly embarrassed about how husky his tone is.

"That's wonderful news," Dimitri continues, sounding leagues calmer and oddly happy about that fact. Felix balls his hands into fists, trying to still the tremors that come at Dimitri's response. "We can destroy what's left of that wretched drug, then."

...The gesture does nothing to stop it.

"You..."

The next thing Felix knows, tears are starting to drop in earnest—partly in sheer awe at Dimitri's _complete_ and _utter_ misunderstanding of what Felix wished to convey—true as it is on the drug's account as well—and partly due to the frustration he feels at the aforementioned fact and his helplessness against it all. On top of being a good-for-nothing, he's also incapable of properly expressing himself, a cursed existence that does nothing but impose.

"...idiot…"

Felix hates it. Yet the wetness dripping onto the floor shows no signs of stopping, as with these feelings of inadequacy that keep on resurfacing despite Dimitri's insistence that he's fine the way he is.

The sheets rustle as Dimitri starts to stand on instinct, with Felix not paying attention as to what he's doing with the sheet halfway off. The next thing he knows, Dimitri approaches him, brows knit with worry as he reaches out to take hold of Felix's upper arms.

"Felix…"

It really makes no sense for him to cry about this at the end of the day, yet he does anyway, leaning in to sob against Dimitri's chest, pounding on it lightly with his fist as if he were five years old again.

It takes a while and some more willpower, but Felix manages to dam the wave of tears, letting out a sniffle before he wraps his fingers around Dimitri's partially unbuttoned shirt.

"Will you... let me finish you off?" Felix whispers, still unable to stop himself from trembling as he waits for Dimitri's answer.

Dimitri shivers at the question, swallowing hard as he holds Felix. "Yes," he says hoarsely, watching Felix with eyes as wide as saucers.

Even if it takes a moment's consideration, Dimitri simply accepting Felix's proposal does wonders to ease the tightness in his chest. A childish smile breaks across his face as he breaks off from the embrace. Shifting his hold to Dimitri's warm hand, he begins to lead the way back to the bed, shedding his boots before crawling to the other side, kneeling as he waits eagerly for Dimitri to settle down.

Dimitri shrugs off his shirt, not bothering to unbutton it the rest of the way since it's open enough to pull up over his head. Dimitri worries at his lower lip with his teeth as he climbs onto the bed too, extending his hand to gently remove the tie holding Felix's hair back. Felix honestly would prefer to do this with his hair pulled back, but if this is what Dimitri wants...

Felix shakes his head slightly as Dimitri finishes undoing his hair tie, letting his hair fan out around him before moving in to press a light kiss against Dimitri's lips.

"...Sorry," Felix says as he pulls back quickly, embarrassed as he tucks his hands between his knees. He's supposed to suck Dimitri off, not indulge in those silly displays of affection...!

"For what?" Dimitri asks with a small laugh, leaning in to run his fingers through Felix's hair while he kisses him in return, lingering for a few seconds before pulling back to give Felix a chance to answer.

"For…"

 _...not attending to you quickly_ , but Felix thinks saying that will probably not go overly well with Dimitri, so he refrains, and simply shakes his head once more.

"...Never mind. Is it okay for me to get started...?"

Face reddening, Dimitri nods, reaching down to unfasten his pants again to free his cock. While Felix has had numerous looks at Dimitri's naked body the past two weeks, he's never had an opportunity to actually study Dimitri's cock, a big sight by usual standards. Though nothing that Felix cannot handle, given what he has had to deal with before.

Wrapping his hand around the base of Dimitri's shaft, he starts to pump it slowly so he could ease Dimitri back to full hardness before he dives in. It doesn't take long—Dimitri is surprisingly responsive, and Felix wastes no time in leaning his face in, prompting a sharp intake of air as he presses a kiss against Dimitri's tip.

"You don't have to— _oh_..."

Felix tastes salt upon his tongue almost instantly, a good sign that spurs him on as he shifts his attention to the sensitive underside, his touch reverent as he lavishes attention upon it with his tongue. A faint blush coats his cheeks as Dimitri gasps, with Felix only dimly aware of his own arousal as he goes about the act, more focused on Dimitri's pleasure over his own.

Felix hums softly when Dimitri reaches out, fingers brushing against his skin as Dimitri holds his hair out of his face, a distraction he manages to weather through by nuzzling against Dimitri's shaft before turning his attention back to Dimitri's tip. He covers it with his mouth before he sucks gently, with a mind to take him in inch by inch later.

Halfway through taking Dimitri in, Felix moans softly as Dimitri's fingers fist into his hair a little too hard. All the same, the sting tingling his scalp is nothing compared to anything he's endured before. In fact, it's almost welcome now in this context. That means Dimitri is liking it enough to let go of himself, and it only serves to fuel Felix's desire to continue and prove himself.

Dimitri lets go of Felix's hair, clutching the sheets instead. "Felix, please, don't let... don't let me hurt you."

Reaffirming his hold around Dimitri's shaft, Felix bobs his head, partially in reassurance, partly for Dimitri's pleasure as he works his way into taking all of Dimitri in his mouth. He doesn't even need to work at it, it seems. The moment Felix's throat closes around the head of Dimitri's cock, Dimitri comes undone. Dimitri's hips jerk up on instinct as he lets out half of a strangled cry, grabbing the blanket he had his face in earlier to muffle his moans, tearful and trembling as he spends himself in Felix's throat. 

It's too quick for what Felix is used to, but he manages to adapt to it, only letting a small amount of the liquid drip out of his mouth and down his chin. An easy enough task when the cry that Dimitri lets out is music to his ears, an indication of a job well done.

Cheeks very much red from exertion and arousal, Felix pulls out only once he's done swallowing all of Dimitri's seed, running his tongue over his lips as he looks at Dimitri through lowered lashes. Satisfied with what he sees, Felix uses his fingers to wipe and catch the come that had leaked out of his mouth, licking his fingers clean as he surveys Dimitri's state, surprised to note he's still half-hard.

Tucking away stray strands of hair behind his ear, Felix prepares to sink back down, intent on finishing the job. But it seems Dimitri has other plans, and before Felix could act on his own, Dimitri laughs breathlessly, pulling Felix up into his arms and lying down flat on his back. He takes Felix's face in both hands, holding it still so he can lean in to kiss him, slow and sensual. So set is he in his imagined task that Felix ends up making a muffled _mrp_ of protest when Dimitri pulls him in. It's a short while before he manages to properly kiss Dimitri back and position himself a little more properly before Dimitri gives up, smiling shyly.

"Sorry," Dimitri says, wiping his eyes. "I should have warned you, but it happened so fast..."

"It's... fine," Felix breathes against Dimitri's ear, relaxing the leg slotted between Dimitri's as he shifts to lay on his side next to Dimitri, who follows suit.

Resting his head lightly against Dimitri's shoulder, he continues, "I'm glad... you liked it."

Another time, another circumstance, that expression of adoration on Dimitri would have been too much, but for now that's all Felix wants, heart soaring at the thought of having given Dimitri something to be happy about.

Dimitri gently strokes Felix's cheek with the back of his knuckles, smiling sweetly at him. "I… I'm really glad you're here, Felix. Truly."

"I am too."

Felix moves to tangle his legs with Dimitri's, determined to wrap himself in the presence he had taken for-granted for so long. Without the haze of drugs clouding his perception of matters, everything in that moment feels a lot more overwhelming, a reality that is crystal clear despite Felix's own doubts about himself.

Dimitri simply loves him for who he is. Felix need not do more than exist and be by his side for Dimitri to be satisfied.

Yet, there's one thing that Felix, drugged or not, cannot simply accept. Certainly, Dimitri won't abandon him even long after the euphoria of having rescued him had settled, but the same cannot be said for other people, who are sure to look for a justification for Felix continuing to stay by Dimitri's side.

Felix does not care for what they think, but it's a justification that Felix needs for himself too, and that's what has him resolving to find it as well.

But for now... if calling upon the skills he had acquired during his captivity means being able to see Dimitri smile like this... then Felix finds himself not minding the arrangement, glad that something pleasant managed to come out of all that suffering.

Dimitri closes his eyes, letting out a trembling breath. Felix takes that pause as an opportunity to snake his arms around Dimitri, and by the time he manages it, Dimitri seems to have gotten over whatever it was that caused him to hesitate. Dimitri wraps his arms around Felix in turn, drawing him in for a kiss with undisguised hunger, which Felix returns with equal fervor. Felix presses urgently against Dimitri, moaning softly as his warm hands start to slide down his back, following the curve of his spine as they trail downward. He shivers in anticipation as they come to a stop by his hips…

...And simply come to a stop right there.

"...is it all right if I touch you?" Dimitri murmurs against Felix's lips, sounding anxious in that usual way of his.

"...You don't have to ask."

Is Felix's response, nipping a little impatiently at Dimitri's lower lip despite having a good inkling why Dimitri is asking. Perhaps... another time he may have minded, but he's too caught up in the moment to feel any sort of trepidation with regard the act, relishing the fact that he's actually doing this with someone he likes—nay, _loves_.

"Well, if you put it like that…"

Dimitri gives him a nip in retaliation, dragging his tongue over the slight indentations his teeth leave in their wake. Chuckling, Dimitri lets his hands resume their downward trek. Despite expecting it, Felix gasps anyway when Dimitri digs his fingers into the soft flesh of his ass. He's eager when Dimitri pulls him forward until their hips align, satisfied to find how easily he fits with Dimitri, who certainly wastes no time in making up for that delay.

Dimitri sighs softly, rolling his hips, shivering when he meets the hot, hard length trapped in Felix's pants. Dimitri slips his hand between them, palming Felix's arousal through the fabric, all too eager to return the favor.

Felix had not been giving too much thought to his own pleasure, too used to it being secondary to everything, if not outright neglected. For it to be brought to light has him moaning into Dimitri's mouth, now acutely aware of just how hard he is. As such, he's unable to help himself thrusting into Dimitri's hand, wanting more of that friction against his constricting pants. It doesn't occur to him that he could simply take them off, an option usually denied to him that Felix has simply given up seeking it by default.

A deep rumble of satisfaction vibrates in Dimitri's chest and against Felix as Dimitri shifts his hand to the fly of Felix's pants, attempting to get them off. Felix whimpers as Dimitri tries to take off his pants, keen with regard to where the prospect leads...

"Would you take them off?"

...At least until the point when Dimitri pauses with his breathless words, a puzzled frown creeping into Felix's expression as Dimitri falls back to his line of sight, making a point to make eye contact. It's only a second later that Felix realizes what he's capable of and does so subsequently. After a moment's fumbling, he manages to free himself of his constricting pants, discarding it haphazardly by an edge of the bed.

Resting his cheek against Dimitri's chest, he takes a short while to fit himself properly over Dimitri again before speaking again.

"Do it on your own next time," Felix says, even when he appreciates the fact that Dimitri is more likely than not asking out of concern for him.

Dimitri lifts his head, eyes heavy-lidded as he caresses the bare skin of Felix's thighs. Goosebumps trail in the wake of Dimitri's touch, and Felix does not bother suppressing the shiver that follows, or the way his arousal twitches in anticipation. But alongside that reverent exploration comes a realization, one that twists his gut when Dimitri's hands bring to attention the softness of his thighs, reminding him of the definition he's lost, alongside the strength he had honed for a goal he's never going to be able to fulfill now.

But instead of voicing his reservations out loud, Felix swallows them back, letting them give way to a needy moan, one that wishes for Dimitri to continue, to hopefully make him forget such despondent thoughts.

And it seems like Dimitri picks up on it, though it does take him a while. Moments later, Dimitri sits up, gently placing a hand on Felix's sternum to encourage him to lie on his back and spread his legs—a prelude to an act Felix knows all too well, a cue he takes without hesitation.

Lying on his back, he takes some time to relax against the comfortable mattress, his eyes on Dimitri as he spreads his legs willingly. Hopefully Dimitri has found some lubricant to ease them into this task, but if not... Felix isn't exactly a stranger to doing things dry, uncomfortable and oftentimes painful as it is. But if that's what makes Dimitri happy... then it's a kind of pain Felix is willing to bear.

Dimitri moves to situate himself between Felix's legs, taking a moment to take in the sight of him before he leans down, pressing a kiss to his inner thigh.

"You're beautiful," Dimitri murmurs, his affection so evident in his tone that it's almost sickly sweet.

Having resigned himself to what usually follows after, Dimitri curling his hand around Felix's shaft comes as a surprise, more so the tongue that laps at the underside. Felix shudders violently at the contact, covering his mouth with his hand as he muffles a gasp, a prelude to the emotion swelling in his chest as Dimitri proceeds to copy what Felix just did earlier.

"You don't... have to…"

This is so pathetic. The way he is so unfailingly hard at the contact, and the tears that spring to his eyes, unbidden as the welcome reinforcement of the fact that Dimitri doesn't care. About how many have bed him, at how unworthy he is of the attention of the most powerful man in Faerghus. The thought has the heaviness in Felix's chest lifting, allowing for a certain warmth to properly flow into his heart. It fills a void that had been left empty since Felix had learned to close his heart during his captivity, to allow himself the fortitude to withstand the endless trials that have been thrown his way.

And now... that part of his life is truly over, isn't it? Even if he's glad his mind is finally free of the drug, it's a terrifying prospect in itself, especially with the expectation that he is to find a way to _live_ after having discarded such a notion.

But Dimitri is here... and willing to stand by him no matter what. Perhaps, he shouldn't fear the future as much as he thinks he should...

"I want to," Dimitri answers simply. And it seems to be the case. After all, the only pleasure the giver gets from sucking someone off is emotional.

Felix's breath hitches in his throat. "Even so..."

Comforting as those words are, as is the face looking up at him with genuine, unsuppressed devotion, Felix's tears continue to fall, knowing there's nothing he could ever give to Dimitri that would compare to what Dimitri is providing him right now.

Yet Dimitri is here anyway, come what may. Felix knows he's not going to heal overnight from his experiences that have yet to become a far off memory, but with Dimitri by his side like this, he feels like he might be able to weather the next set of trials to come, frightening as they are.

Dimitri reaches out for one of Felix's hands, bringing it toward his own face, pressing his cheek against his palm as he looks up at him. "I want you."

Instead of continuing his earlier statement, Felix shakes his head lightly, promising himself that he will no longer cry about this. Wiping away his tears with his hand, Felix lightly brushes his thumb across Dimitri's cheek with his other. "...I do too."

Dimitri's lashes flutter at the slight touch as he lets out a soft sigh, shivering.

"I won't let you go again," Dimitri whispers, turning his face to press another kiss to Felix's thigh as Felix lets his hand fall to the side. Not giving Felix a chance to protest that announcement, he shifts forward again, experimentally taking the head of his cock into his mouth. It's so embarrassing how _sensitive_ he is to Dimitri's ministrations, and how he simply lets it be, a choked gasp escaping him at the way Dimitri starts to take him in, an unfamiliar feeling alongside the sweetness he finds himself wrapped in. But instead of the type he detests, it leaves him at ease, finally accepting of what Dimitri has been telling him all this time.

Felix uses a hand to anchor himself to the sheets better, still overwhelmed by the swell of emotion overtaking his chest and prickling his eyes once more.

And so, Felix's promise to himself not to cry again does not even last a minute. The moment Dimitri takes all of him in, his tears start a path anew, hot as they trail down his cheeks.

He feels like he's about to rip a hole through the sheets as Dimitri begins to mimic his actions from earlier, lacking in finesse, but making up for it with raw passion. It threatens to overcome Felix, taking him under in its blissful waves as Dimitri works on letting him know what words simply can't express on their own.

And Felix surrenders himself to it, muffling a cry as he jerks into Dimitri's mouth, coming inside in short order.

Dimitri keeps gently sucking until Felix doesn't have anything more to give. Breathless, he shifts to lie beside him again, brushing away Felix's tears with a smile. Spent as he is, Felix manages to drape an arm over Dimitri's shoulders as he moves to lay beside him. He allows himself a few moments to simply melt into the presence next to him, attempting a feeble smile once Dimitri starts wiping his tears away.

One ugly sniffle later, Felix presses his lips briefly against Dimitri's, unmindful of where it has been. He keeps the kiss short and chaste, breaking away a moment later to rest his head against Dimitri's broad chest. There's still the matter of Dimitri's own arousal, and not at all interested in leaving a job unfinished, Felix rocks his hips into Dimitri's, prepared to snake his other hand down for a certain task...

...It's going to be a battle against the tiredness threatening to overtake him, however. And the way Dimitri takes hold of his hand, bringing it to his lips with a soft smile.

"Lie here with me for a little while."

A protest is at the tip of Felix's tongue, but far more tempting is Dimitri's invitation. One that he relents to after a second, moving to clasp Dimitri's hand before managing a nod.

Nuzzling into Dimitri's chest, Felix's lashes flutter close, exhaustion washing over him like a warm blanket along with the comfort afforded by Dimitri's closeness. Much as he wants to savor this moment, the call of sleep is far stronger, and is one he's actively succumbing to.

All the same, he'll be taking this memory to heart, a moment he wishes would last forever. But Felix knows, at least. That when the sun rises, Dimitri will still be there, ready to walk this uncertain future with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Oh please  
>  I wish that we could stay like this  
> 'Cause whenever you are near  
> I can feel a warmth within my heart  
> Promise you won't let go  
> Even just a little hope  
> 'Cause I know the sun will rise again  
> On the two of us_  
> \- "Again" by AmaLee
> 
> -
> 
> Thank you for finishing this story! As you might have guessed, there's still a lot to explore with this premise and I have not gotten around to some interesting things like how a reunion with Rodrigue would go. Admittedly, I have that one drafted out, but it felt weird for a story ending, so I decided to leave things here for now. While I am considering writing out a continuation sometime, friends have also been trying to enable me into writing a prequel fic for this, so… decisions, decisions. Please stay subscribed in case you wish to get notified if/when I continue this!


	8. [extra chapter] reunion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I still don't know if I'm going to continue this, but I thought I might as well push this chapter out of my WIP folder since it's been stuck there for months. Please enjoy!

The rush of cool air entering the room causes Felix to stir, alongside that faint movement next to him and the vague words that follow.

"...Of course. We'll be ready to depart shortly."

Wrinkling his nose, Felix opens his eyes blearily before moving to burrow his face into Dimitri's chest. But he only takes a moment before groaning and pulling away, knowing what needs to be done if they are to avoid a certain discussion with one Margrave Gautier.

He pushes himself to sit up on his side, making a grab for his discarded pants before dragging his legs back on the floor, prepared to get a start on the day.

Dimitri scoots up behind Felix, lightly kissing the side of his neck. "It is a bit of an early start. Still, better than the alternative."

"...Yeah," Felix says, slightly hoarse as he flushes at that kiss and starts pulling his pants on. Better this early start than sticking around to see if the margrave had found out about last night's activities. Not that Felix is ashamed of what he's done with Dimitri, but he's quite certain that the traditionalist in Sylvain's father would not appreciate such things, and overall, it's a discussion Felix thinks he's not at all ready for.

It also means they'll be spared the inconvenience of camping out, given that with a fast horse, they should be able to make it to the Fraldarius estate by late night. But all the same...

Felix hesitates once he finishes up with the task, hands gripping the side of the bed tightly. "Though my father... won't be happy either…"

"He'll just be happy to see you," Dimitri says. "He's been quite worried, you know."

Felix's eyes widen at that response. His father, worried? Perhaps, in light of Felix being the sole heir with a major crest, that isn't potentially untrue. Not that it's guaranteed to stop Rodrigue from surely eyeing him with disappointment once he learns Felix could no longer fight...

Dimitri places another kiss on his cheek before rising, tugging on fresh clothing. "...would you pull my hair back, Felix?"

"..Okay." Exhaling, Felix crawls over to where Dimitri is seated, taking a moment to run his fingers appreciatively through Dimitri's hair before pulling it back.

"Thank you."

Once Felix finishes, Dimitri twists to catch Felix in another small kiss. Minute comforts as they are, Felix appreciates them all the same, returning it just as tenderly. But Dimitri keeps it short, standing after he tugs on his boots. Felix follows suit, finishing up a moment later.

"Are you ready?" Dimitri asks.

Briefly running a comb through his hair, Felix ties it in a loose ponytail before nodding in Dimitri's direction.

"I am."

As ready as he'll ever be, anxiety and all.

* * *

Despite the fact that Felix is on the mend, Dimitri and he ride together. Thankfully, the bulk of Dimitri's men have already moved on and it's only Gilbert and Diana, the medic, left. The latter of which keeps shooting them curious looks. Both refrain from commenting on the arrangement and its accompanying results, at least, even if Dimitri's tender demeanor with Felix gives plenty to comment on. While he doesn't go so far as to kiss him in front of them, he doesn't withhold any touches or smiles, either. Something that Felix does not hide himself from enjoying or returning as well.

Still, it's a long ride. By the time night falls, Felix feels ready to crawl into bed and pass out, but he forces himself awake, given they still have a few hours to go.

Nonetheless, once they pull into the town proper, the nostalgic sights and smells manage to reinvigorate Felix, almost bringing him to tears as he notes how close he's come to never experiencing them again.

Thankfully, the urge to cry is much easier to stamp out this time around. A good thing considering how the Fraldarius estate draws closer in the horizon, and how they make it there in record time.

"I'll take care of the horses, Your Majesty," Gilbert says as they slow and come to a stop.

"Thank you," Dimitri says, hopping down and offering an arm up to Felix.

Rodrigue strikes an imposing figure, even in the distance, and it's with some trepidation that Felix takes that offered hand, unsure if his legs will be able to properly support him once he's back on solid ground.

As Dimitri had mentioned, Rodrigue is indeed worried about him. Worried enough to scoop him into a hug not even a moment after he hops off Dimitri's horse.

Rodrigue says nothing of the definition he lost, seemingly content to just wrap his arms around Felix's shoulders, to Felix's complete and utter puzzlement. When it seems like Rodrigue isn't about to let go any time soon, Felix awkwardly lifts his arms to Rodrigue's back, squeezing tentatively. The act has Rodrigue gripping him a little more tightly, burying his nose into Felix's hair--a gesture that Felix hanging his head, eyes shut tight as he tries to stifle the urge to simply let everything out.

A few seconds later, Rodrigue pulls back, clasping Felix's shoulders. "Welcome back, Felix."

Rodrigue's eyes shine with the same glaze sure to be painted over Felix's. But unlike Rodrigue, Felix gives in to the desire he had long suppressed. Unable to stop his tears, Felix reaches back in for another hug, letting out eight years worth of frustration, regret, and apologies as he curls against Rodrigue's chest, not unlike the times he would wake up from a nightmare and seek comfort from a familiar embrace.

It's shameful how he simply sobs like he's eight years old again, but for now, he'll indulge, knowing full and well that no one is able to judge him for this pleasure he thought he will never be able to partake in again. Caught up in the moment, Felix feels like his tears won't stop any time soon, but as with most things, they eventually come to an end, leaving his chest both hollow and light when he pulls away from Rodrigue, sniffling as he does so.

"It's good to be back," Dimitri says, walking up beside Felix to place a hand on his shoulder. Not trusting his voice at all, Felix simply nods when Dimitri speaks next to him. A stolen glance behind him tells him that Gilbert had led off the horses as he said he would, and Dimitri had, perhaps, dismissed Diana as she is nowhere to be seen.

As Felix wipes away the remnants of his tears, Rodrigue swallows, though he manages to give Dimitri a proper bow. "Indeed it is. You all must be tired from your journey. Shall we catch up in the morning instead?"

Dimitri hesitates. "If you don't mind, I'd like to have a brief chat tonight. You'll have time to think of any follow-up questions you might have by morning, and we can all sleep in a bit."

Rodrigue cups a hand to his chin, nodding. "Very well."

Dimitri returns the nod, softening as he looks to Felix, worry creasing his forehead slightly. "You should probably lie down."

"That is a good idea," Rodrigue says, turning to Felix. "Your room has been prepared."

At those words, Felix glances at Dimitri, a small plea in his gaze as anxiety claws at his chest at the prospect of being separated from Dimitri.

Dimitri nods, letting the palm on Felix's shoulder slide down his arm, gently squeezing his hand. "I'll walk you there."

It's a compromise that Felix is willing to work with, and unmindful of the way Rodrigue watches them as he entwines his fingers with Dimitri's, he nods and exhales in relief.

"I'll see you in the morning, then," Felix mumbles, hanging his head as he slips past Rodrigue starts on the nostalgic path back into the house proper and his room.

Once they are out of earshot, Dimitri quietly adds on, "I'll come to join you afterward."

"I'd... like that."

Another time, Felix would look back at his actions with embarrassment, but more importantly now, Dimitri is with him and will be returning. That's what has him cooperative as Dimitri accompanies him back to his room and more or less tucks him into bed. Still on the mend from his withdrawal-related trials, it isn't long before he passes out in the familiar and comforting space.

* * *

"My apologies. I know it is late, but I thought it prudent to speak with you alone."

Rodrigue rests his folded hands and lifts his gaze, offering a small nod as Dimitri approaches him in the drawing room, still warm despite the dying fire.

"Please do not apologize. It is a wise decision."

Given what Rodrigue had been seeing. Of course, he had been briefed at what kind of rumor had Dimitri chasing clues to Felix's whereabouts all the way to one of Sreng's larger cities, but it seems there might be more to the story given how Felix has been acting.

And Dimitri too. Rodrigue doubts it's a simple regression to childhood due to trauma, but in any case, there is no use speculating on his own, especially when he could get the story right out of one horse's mouth.

Rodrigue gestures to the couch across him, motioning for Dimitri to take it. "Please, take a seat."

Dimitri's movements are stiff and awkward as he steps in and settles down. As Dimitri mulls, Rodrigue busies himself with pouring out some tea for them. Chamomile, lukewarm at this hour, but should be serviceable. After pushing one cup towards Dimitri, he leaves his untouched in favor of folding his hands again, waiting for the shoe to drop.

Making no move to pick up the cup, Dimitri takes a deep breath, training his gaze on the ground. "Those rumors were the truth. They were keeping him there trying to conceive children with a major crest."

And drop it does, with no fanfare to it.

"...I see," Rodrigue says, gloved fingers digging into the back of his hands. It is a reality of war, and one where both sides are doing whatever it takes to protect their own interests, but for them to involve Felix in such nefarious acts...

 _How dare they._ Rodrigue exhales, willing this foreign fury to quell before he speaks again.

"...Were they successful?" Rodrigue forces himself to ask, just to get some technicalities out of the way before he moves on to more uncomfortable questions and ones of more relevant interest to him.

Swallowing hard, Dimitri shakes his head. "No. Gustave questioned one of the women involved. She said that all the women that were brought in for that purpose still had a regular cycle. We would have questioned the men as well, but our numbers and position did not allow for us to take prisoners." Dimitri sneers. "Death was too good for them. I should have cut off their limbs, that would have kept them from surrounding us."

Rodrigue lets out a breath, unwrapping his hands lest he dig a hole into his gloves "What's done is done. You've done what you can with your limited resources and succeeded. Given how deep into Sreng territory you've gone, that is quite the feat."

He wanted to go too, but with the Empire still going strong, leaving Fraldarius unmanned isn't the most strategic of ideas, especially with their king absent. Thus leaving Rodrigue to command everything in Dimitri's absence.

"You have my eternal gratitude for rescuing my son. If there's anything at all I can do in return, all you have to do is ask."

"...just be gentle with him." Dimitri bites down on his lip. "The healer said there was physical trauma. He was kept chained up in that room, constantly inhaling the smoke—she said the drugs that they used to keep him sedated might have been the reason their plans never bore fruit. We weaned him off of them, but they were so integrated with his system that he nearly died when he tried to just quit all at once. Even going slowly, it was not a pleasant process."

Rodrigue exhales, frowning at the teacups before taking one for himself. His nerves need it, that's for certain, lest he be tempted to direct the war back to the north just as Dimitri had. He sips a quarter off the cup before speaking again. "...I will. He can take all the time he needs to heal in the estate."

The timing may be awful for it in general, but it's the least he could do for a son he had thought as lost forever. "But I have to ask, Your Majesty. What are your plans, now that you've succeeded in your campaign?"

Dimitri picks up his cup of tea and takes a sip. "Truth be told, I have not given it much thought, though I am sure you are not surprised to hear it." He sighs and shakes his head, exhaustion starting to creep over his features. "I know what my strengths are. I will rejoin the battle soon enough."

Rodrigue finishes most of his cup, only leaving a thin amount of liquid at the bottom as he studies Dimitri. Enough to note his exhaustion and uncertainty. "Your soldiers will be delighted to hear that." He pauses, turning his attention briefly to his cup to empty it. "Does Felix know?"

The wince Dimitri makes in response really says it all.

"...I have not directly said as much, no. I was hoping to help him regain some of his strength first."

It's an answer that doesn't surprise Rodrigue by any means. If anything, he sounds a little... resigned. If a bit nostalgic. After all, how long has it been since Blaiddyd and Fraldarius set off together like this, side by side as they march to face challenges head on?

"...So you do plan to take him with you after all." Rodrigue sets his cup back on the table, thoughtful. "I suppose the Kingdom can survive without their king for a little while longer. I can perhaps hold off... awkward questions regarding that matter for another two weeks at most. But past that, there is no excuse not to return to your duties."

Dimitri has the grace to look embarrassed, but his relief at Rodrigue's offer is apparent all the same. He smiles gratefully, finally lifting his gaze to make direct eye contact. "Thank you. I do not know that I could bear to leave him like this."

Rodrigue gives Dimitri a faint smile in turn. "I am certain he appreciates it."

It isn't ideal, but Rodrigue is not blind and the way Felix openly clings to Dimitri is rather indicative of many things, especially when considering how he's been like before his disappearance.

"Is it a sense of duty that compels you to do so, or something else?"

It's time he figured that one out, at least.

"Duty?" Dimitri shakes his head. "Felix has always been one of my dearest friends. Duty did not factor into my decision. I would have done the same for Sylvain or Ingrid. That being said…"

His smile takes on a slightly shy edge, but there's not a trace of shame in it.

"I cannot deny that I have feelings for him."

And there is Rodrigue's answer. One that fills him with... a little jealousy, he supposes.

But that is but a senseless projection on his end. Dimitri is not his father, and Felix... already has many things to work through, more than the average soldier. Who is he to deny them this simple pleasure in these trying times, especially when it seems to be reciprocated?

"...Then be certain to treasure those feelings."

Rodrigue allows himself a faint smile, refraining from getting into an offshoot of the discussion at hand. Surely, Dimitri knows of the duty he must fulfill after the war, and what Felix could only be at most.

"I will." Dimitri takes a deep breath, inhaling the scent of the chamomile tea before setting it aside. "Thank you, Rodrigue."

"Good." Rodrigue nods, then casts his gaze towards the dying fire. "Though it's getting quite late," he continues with a sigh. "We should all retire to bed soon. Your usual room has been prepared, should you be inclined to use it."

Though he feels Dimitri isn't going to, given what he's seen earlier, and it's emphasized all the more by the way he blushes and clears his throat. "Yes, well... we can speak more at breakfast, perhaps."

Dimitri rises, bowing politely. "Good night."

Rodrigue rises as well, returning the greeting with his own before he turns his attention to the fireplace, killing the rest of the fire once Dimitri is out.

**Author's Note:**

> Catch me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/pengisukebe) if you feel like it!


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